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Welcome to the site dedicated to the wit and wisdom of one of the great thinkers and philosophers of our time, Homer Simpson. If you, like me, have sought that special quote from the man voted in high school, "most likely to be a mental patient, hillbilly, or chimpanzee", then look no further.
Got any quotes, email me.Homer Jr. (the other kids call me Ho-Ju)
“Trying
is the first step to failure.” Homer
Marge
[admonishing]: You
know, Homer, it’s very easy to criticise.
Homer:
Yeah, it’s fun too.
“Kids,
you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”
Homer
"If
you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet,
they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
Homer
“If something’s hard to do, it’s not worth doing.” Homer
Lisa:
Why do you hate the Isotopes so much,
Dad?
Homer:
Because I loved them once and they broke
my heart. Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie, never love anything.
Lisa:
Even you?
Homer: Especially me.
“Well of course, everything looks bad if you
remember it!”
Homer
“Son,
when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s
how drunk you get.” Homer
“Marge,
don’t discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s
what separates us from the animals…except the weasel.”
Homer
“Marge,
it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.” Homer
"You can't keep blaming yourself. Just
blame yourself once, and move on."
Homer
“I’ve
learnt life is one crushing defeat after another, until you wish
"What's the point of going out, we're
just going to end up back here anyway?"
Homer
“Woo-hoo! Good things do happen to bad people!” Homer [on being crowned Mardi Gras King]
“I’m the
luckiest man in the world, now Lou Gehrig’s dead.” Homer
“You gave
both dogs away? You know how I feel about giving!”
Homer
"No matter how good you are at
something, there's always about a million people better than you."
Homer
Burns:
There’s no muscle stronger than the
human heart.
Homer:
What about the wiener? A guy on TV
lifted a can of paint with his!
"You
never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure, it's not 1985 right
now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?"
Homer
"Lisa,
vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos."
Homer
"Facts are meaningless. You could use
facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!"
Homer
“Stupid
gravity!” Homer,
after falling
“Come
on, Marge, it’s fun to smash things!” Homer
Lisa
[hysterical]: My
God, I’m losing my perspicacity!
Homer:
Well, it’s always in the last place you
look.
“A
library selling books? I don’t want them for free, why would I pay for them?”
Homer
“I swore I would never read again after I read ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’. It gave me no useful advice on how to kill a mockingbird. It did teach me not to judge a man by the colour of his skin, but what use is that?” Homer
“If you two hens have finished clucking, I want to buy my copy of ‘Jugs & Ammo’” Homer
“The sea
forgives all, not like those mean old mountains, I hate them so much!”
Homer
Lisa:
Dad, please, for the last time, I beg
you: don't lower yourself to the level of the mob!
Homer: Lisa, maybe if I'm part of that mob, I can help steer it in wise
directions. Now, where's my giant foam cowboy hat and air-horn?
Lisa: Bart’s acting funny.
Homer: Ray Jay funny, or OJ funny?
Bart: Somebody ought to ruin Gabbo's career the way he ruined Krusty's.
Lisa: Two wrongs don't make a right, Bart.
Bart: Yes, they do.
Lisa: No, they don't.
Bart: Yes, they do.
Lisa: No, they don't.
Bart: Yes, they do.
Lisa: Daaaad!
Homer: Two wrongs make a right, Lisa.
Lisa:
A rose by any other name would smell as
sweet.
Bart:
Not if you called them Stinkblossoms!
Homer:
Or Crapweeds.
Marge:
I’m not sure I’d like to get a dozen
Crapweeds on Valentine’s Day, I’d rather have candy.
Homer:
Not if they were called Scumdrops!
Sea
Captain: Welcome
aboard the ship of the damned!
Homer:
Name on the back says ‘Honeybunch’.
“We’re
going out, Marge. If we don’t come back, avenge our deaths.” Homer
Lisa:
Did you know the Chinese use the same
word for crisis as opportunity?
Homer:
Yes! Crossitunity!
Bart:
That’s a hitch-hiker, Homer.
Homer:
Ooh, let’s pick him up!
Marge: No! What if
he’s crazy?
Homer:
And what if he’s not? Then we’d look
like idiots.
“Okay,
whatever takes my mind off my life…well turn something on, I’m starting to
think!” Homer
[on choosing between TV and radio]
"Bart,
with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things
like...love!" Homer
"Oh,
I'm not gonna lie to you Marge…see ya!" Homer
“I saw
weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie,
godless, evil stuff. And I want in.” Homer
“Being a
clown sucks, you get kicked by kids, bitten by dogs and admired by the
elderly.” Homer [as
Krusty lookalike]
“Carnies
built this country, well the carnival part anyway. They may be rat-like in
appearance, but they are kings among men.”
Homer
“We could
start our own game. People throw ducks at balloons and nothing is how it
seems.” Homer
dreams of life as a carny
“Come on,
Marge, I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I wanna explore the
world. I wanna watch TV in a different time zone. I wanna explore strange
exotic malls. I’m sick of eating hoagies; I wanna a grinder, a sub, a foot-long
hero. I wanna live, Marge, won’t you let me live? Won’t you, please?”
Homer
"I'm
not outta control! You're outta control! The whole freakin' system's outta
control! You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach
over and stick your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face!
You'll know what to do - forget it Marge - it's
Homer:
I will give up the civil war recreation
society I so dearly love.
Bart: And I will take up smoking and give that up!
Homer: Good boy, that's a tough thing to have to go through. Here's a dollar.
Lisa: But he didn't DO anything!
Homer: Didn't he, Lisa? Didn't he?
Homer:
Marge, I'm bored ...
Marge: Why don't you read a book, then?
Homer: Because I'm trying to reduce my boredom.
"Don't
let Krusty's death get you down boy. People die all the time, just like that [snaps fingers]. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow!
Well, good night." Homer
“I’m
entitled to a private life, I am not a role model, and so on.”
Homer
Marge:
Did they ever find Tom Petty’s toe?
Homer:
What am I, the lost and found?
Lisa:
Is he dead?
Homer:
What am I, a doctor?
Bart: Dad, five minutes ago you hated him!
Homer: Who are you, my biographer?
“I’ve seen plays more exciting plays than this! Honest to God plays!” Homer [at the wildlife park]
Homer: Look at those stupid city slickers, with
their fur coats and pointy hats!
Marge: Homer, those are elk.
Homer: I still hate them. [Shouts] Go back to
“Sleeping
bags on the ground and a raging fire. It’ll be just like the time I got kicked
out of the sporting goods store.” Homer
“I’ll
staple a flag to your butt and mail you to
"I
don't have to be careful, I've got a gun." Homer
“Ha, ha,
ha. In real life he’d die.” Homer
observes cinematic ironies
"Do
you want the job done right, or do you want it done fast?"
Homer
Bart:
Mom! My slingshot doesn't fit in these
pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms
suck.
Marge: Bart, where do you pick up words like that?
Homer (on the phone): Yeah, Moe, that team sucked last night. Now I've seen a team suck, but
they just plain sucked, they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked…
Gotta go Moe, my damn wiener kids are listening!
“Joke’s
on them, I’m still alive.” Homer
after being tossed out of Moe’s
Homer:
Seatbelts? They kill more people than
they save!
Lisa:
Dad, that’s not true. You’re thinking of
airbags.
"Herman,
how could you? We've all thought about counterfeiting jeans at one time or
another, but what about the victims? Hard-working designers like Calvin Klein,
Gloria Vanderbilt, or Antoine Bugle Boy. These are the people who saw an
overcrowded marketplace and said, ‘Me, too!’" Homer
"Marge,
you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman – and I have no
interest in that, besides wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is
strictly a comfort thing." Homer
“Are you
sure this is a sci-fi convention, it’s full of nerds?”
Homer on Bi-Mon Sci-Con
Lisa:
Dad, I think that's pretty spurious.
Homer: Well, thank you, honey.
“Lousy
two-legged pants!” Homer
Simpson
family watching TV –
Homer:
I’m tired of this Tarzan movie.
Lisa:
Dad, it’s a documentary about the
homeless!
“This is
a highly sophist-acatated doo-wacky.” Homer
“And
Lenny said, ‘As if! Don’t even go there, girlfriend!’”
Homer regales the family with his
anecdotes
Homer at
the ‘She-She Lounge’: Wait
a minute, there’s something bothering me about this place? I know! This lesbian
bar has no fire escape! Enjoy your death-trap, ladies!
One
Lesbian to another: What’s
her problem?
Lisa [awaking
after dreaming of JFK]: Ich
bin ein gymnast!
Homer
[lovingly]: Ahh,
she must have dreamt about Hitler again.
Lisa:
Who wants to put on a leotard and get
screamed at?
Homer: Hookers and Spiderman?
“I hope
he tells us to burn our pants, these things are killing me.”
Homer
“Stupid
frogs!” Homer
on the French
“If I
wanted to see Japanese people, I would have gone to the zoo.”
Homer
Marge:
You liked ‘Rashomon’.
Homer:
That’s not how I remember it!
“Oh no,
I’m not lending you my car. You’ll probably drive it!”
Homer to Grandpa
“Do you
have any idea what you put us through? I called the police, the hospital, my
bookie, the kennel…okay this isn’t about who I called.”
Homer chastises Grandpa
Marge:
Grandpa, I gotta tell you, she’s a
stone-cold hoochie!
Homer:
Straight up, Marge!
“Not Mr
Blasty! [sobs] It’s okay, boy, you’ll be shooting angels
in Heaven.” Homer
[tearfully giving up his favourite pistol]
Dr
Hibbert [on mutated Groundskeeper Willie]: Now he may try to slobber on your crotch.
Homer:
Huh, I’ve been around Scotsmen.
“You guys
are crazy! All you can do is eat and sleep and mate and roll around in your own
filth, and mate and eat…where do I sign up?” Homer [to mutants]
“You
ain’t pretty no more!” Homer
[destroying scarecrow]
Marge:
Where did you get that suit?
Homer:
Wo, wo, one question at a time!
Homer:
Wait, I’ve changed my mind, stack it in
the order I’ll eat it driving home.
Bag Boy:
Sir, please! I’ve already bagged it by
colour and in order of each item’s discovery by man.
Homer:
The customer’s always right. That’s what
everyone likes about us. Now mush!
Mrs
Skinner: You
tell them, Jobo!
Bag Boy:
Bag boys have feelings too, you know!
Homer:
No you don’t!
Manager:
Excuse me, is there a problem here?
Homer:
No, I can handle it. [pinches bag boy & whispers] I’ll get you, squealer!
Nerd:
Could you stop calling us nerds?
Homer:
Dweeb, twonk, spaz, it’s all good!
Homer
eating old animal crackers –
Marge:
Homer, no! Those were made in the
sixties!
Homer:
Mmm, turbulent.
“And on
my free African safari I want to do everything on this box: Shoot a lion in the
face, fight Mohammed Ali, and ride in a convertible with two happy zebras.”
Homer
“It was a
tumultuous time for a nation. The clear beverage craze gave us all a reason to
live. The information superhighway told the average person what some nerd
thinks about Star Trek. And the domestication of the dog continued unabated.”
Homer [reminiscing]
“Remember
what Vince Lombardi said: If you lose, you're outta the family”
Homer
"The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The
rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of
those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels
exactly the same way you do."
Homer
"Old people don't need companionship.
They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what
nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use."
Homer
"Oh, people can come up with statistics
to prove anything,
“I’ll never mock the Coast Guard again. You
Navy rejects are alright!” Homer
“”Public transportation is for jerks and
lesbians!” Homer
"They have the
Internet on computers
now?"
Homer
"When I look at the smiles on all the
children's faces...I just know they're about to jab me with something."
Homer
Homer
[staring at Carmen Electra’s breasts]: I think you should be ashamed, toying with
a human life for ratings.
Carmen
Electra:
Homer
[still staring]: I’ve
made my choice.
“Now I’ll
bust that pretty face of yours!” Homer [threatening astronaut]
“We’ll be
rich, richer than astronauts!” Homer
"Sometimes the only way you can feel
good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making
other people feel good about themselves!"
Homer
Homer [in
the school library]: And
these hardy Boys books are great too. This one’s about smugglers.
Bart:
They’re all about smugglers.
Homer:
No, not this one, ‘The Smugglers of Pirate Cove’. It’s about pirates.
"You think I don't want to? It's those
TV networks, Marge, they won't let me. One quality show after another, each one
fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave
us thirty minutes to ourselves, but they won't! They won't let me live!"
Homer
"Television - teacher, mother, secret
lover."
Homer
“If
celebrities didn’t want people clawing through their garbage and saying
they’re gay, they shouldn’t have tried to express themselves creatively!” Homer
“The only monster here is the gambling
monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him ‘Gamblor’, and it's time to
snatch your mother from his neon claws!”
Homer
Barney [on his cell phone while driving]: Why don’t you get one of those hands-free phones?
It’s the next best thing to paying attention to the road.
Homer [on his cell phone while driving]: Hands-free, eh? Then I can give the brothers the black
power salute. [Pulls
up alongside convertible carrying Carl, Lou, Dr Hibbert, and heavyweight champ
Drederick Tatum] Black
Power! Black Power! [Drives off]
Carl: Was that Al Roker?
Drederick Tatum: His
exuberance is perplexing.
Homer:
Look, I
got the runner-up prize!
Lisa:
You won
second place?
Homer:
No, but
I got it.
Homer: You aren’t going to ask me to pose nude, are you?
Boudoir
Photographer:
I was, unless
you have issues with the naked human body?
Homer:
I don’t.
But the block association seems to. They wanted a traditional Santa Claus…
“Hee hee! Look at this country! 'You are gay'!” Homer spotting
Moe:
I think
we might have to make a trip to Little
Homer:
I’ll
get our little passports.
Marge: What happened to you, Homer? And what happened to the car?
Homer: Nothin’.
Marge: I don’t think it had broken axles before.
Homer: Before, before! You’re livin’ in the
past, Marge. Quit livin’ in the past!
Homer:
He’s got all the money in the world,
but there’s one thing he can’t buy.
Marge:
What?
Homer:
[pause]
A dinosaur.
Reporter:
Don't you think it's dangerous to send civilians into space?
Homer:
I'll handle this ... the only danger in
space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes...wait a minute...Statue
of Liberty ... that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn
you all to hell!
Billy
Corgan [offering hand]: Billy
Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.
Chief
Wiggum: There
are ghost cars all over this highway.
Homer:
Hold me!
Chief
Wiggum: Only
if you hold me.
Marge: Were you or Lenny voted sexiest man alive?
Homer: Well I’m not sure about Lenny…
Bart:
Dad,
you killed the zombie Flanders!
Homer:
He was
a zombie?
Homer [on college pranks]: The only antidote to a zany scheme is an even zanier scheme.
Nerd: Why does it have be zany?
Marge:
There’s a man here who thinks he can help you.
Homer: Batman?
Marge:
No, he’s
a scientist.
Homer:
Batman’s
a scientist?
“Don’t laugh at me, I was once like you!” Homer
"You know, Moe, my mom once said
something that really stuck with me. She said, `Homer, you're a big
disappointment', and God bless her soul, she was really onto something."
Homer
“In High
School I was voted most likely to be a mental patient, hillbilly or
chimpanzee.” Homer
“Marge,
I’m not like other men. That’s why you buy my pants at the special store.”
Homer
“Ooh,
look at me, I’m making people happy. I’m the magical man from happy land, in a
gumdrop house on lollipop lane… Oh, by the way I was being sarcastic!”
Homer
"I'm
a white male, 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me! No matter how dumb my
suggestions are." Homer
“Flanders,
I am a patient, reasonable, handsome man. But even I have my limits.” Homer
“Maybe, just once, someone will call me
‘sir’ without adding, ‘you're making a scene’.” Homer
Homer:
You didn’t thank me!
Marge:
You didn’t do anything.
Homer
[pathetically]: But
I like being thanked!
“Talking
about achievers, they’re going to spray your old man’s workspace for ticks!” Homer [trying to impress Bart]
“Do I
know the meaning of rhetorical?” Homer
Marge:
Well everyone’s got a fear of something.
Homer:
Not everybody.
Marge:
Sock Puppets!
Homer
[shrieking]: Where,
where, aaah!
Homer:
Bart:
You mean the wild mood swings?
Homer
[screams]: NO!
Homer:
All right, I’ll do it for my kids.
Bart:
As long as you’re doing things for me,
would you tie up your bathrobe when you walk around the house?
Homer:
NEVER!
Bart:
Dad, do you wear boxers or briefs?
Homer
[checks inside trousers]: No.
Lisa:
Maybe you’re getting stronger?
Homer:
I have been eating more.
Old Lady:
You’re as strong as you are handsome.
Homer:
And I can ride my bike real fast!
“I
was having the most wonderful dream. I had a hat and a tie, and I wasn’t
wearing any pants.” Homer
Homer
strangling Bart –
Marge:
Homer, what are you doing?
Homer
[innocently]: We’re
just rehearsing Angry Dad, the motion picture.
Bart:
How’d you like to be played by John
Goodman?
Homer
[enraged, resumes strangling Bart]: So…obvious. It…should be…Gary Oldman.
Homer:
I’m just passionate, like all us Greeks!
Marge:
No, you’re angry. You’re punching the
cat right now!
Homer
[repeatedly punching cat]: No I’m not… Oh my god, you’re right! I’m a
rage-aholic! [sobs] I just can’t live without rage-ahol!
“I gave
up anger forever. From now on I’m into candles, soft music and horse
tranquillisers.” Homer
“They
won’t let me in the big people library downtown. There was some unpleasantness.
I can never go back.” Homer
[in the school library]
Homer: Is that our house?
Bart: I don’t think our house has a steeple.
Homer: I forget things.
Lurleen:
Homer, you’re just a big bag of sugar!
Homer:
Really? [Pauses] You did say sugar?
Lurleen:
Homer, you’re as smart as you are
handsome!
Homer:
Hey! Oh, you meant it as a compliment.
“And I
got this scar sneaking under the door of a pay toilet.”
Homer
“Hey,
mister, I’m gonna need two seats on the plane [points at his butt] for the twins.” Homer
Lisa:
Shouldn’t you put on a batting helmet?
Homer:
Nah, they mess up my hair.
Marriage
Counsellor: Before
you came in I asked each of you to make a list of the people who are most
important to you. Homer, you first.
Homer
[reading from list]: There’s
Homer, Homer J. Simpson, and Commander Cool (aka, me).
"Yes, honey...Just squeeze your rage up
into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day
I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle."
Homer
“They don’t call me Springfield Fats just because I’m morbidly obese.” Homer [playing pool]
Homer:
I hate folding sheets!
Marge:
That’s your underwear.
“Back
your robots! No one ruins the family vacation, except me…and maybe the boy!”
Homer
“My hair,
my hair! You chopped off my hair! God, I’m ugly!” Homer’s three hairs are severed
Flanders:
I’ve got a pounding headache, my mouth
tastes like vomit and I can’t remember anything.
Homer:
Welcome to my world!
“I am
disgruntled and up until now I was relatively gruntled!”
Homer
"I
like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals fla-a-aming."
Homer
“Good news, Marge, I’ve learned to walk naked on stilts!” Homer
“Homer no function beer well without.”
Homer
"To
alcohol...the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!"
Homer
"Now, son, you don't want to drink
beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs."
Homer:
If they don’t let me in here I’ll have
to quit drinking. [Cheer from within
his body] Shut up, liver! [Punches himself in the back]
“Asleep
at the switch! I wasn’t asleep, I was drunk!” Homer [appalled by press inaccuracy]
"Beer. Now there's a temporary
solution."
Homer
“I
would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet, sweet beer.” Homer
“Oh come
on, this bar is like a tavern to me!” Homer
Drunken
Homer Toy Figure: I
peed my pants!
Homer
[angry]: I
recorded that for private use.
Homer: Give me a six-pack.
Boat Rental Clerk: Sir, you cannot operate a speedboat under the influence of alcohol.
Homer: That sounds like a wager to me!
“How
about if we dope you up good?” Homer’s helpful suggestion for Marge’s fear of flying
Homer
[wired]: I
am so excited. I couldn’t sleep, then I even took some pills I found on the
floor and still nothing.
Apu:
You took pills you found on the floor?
Homer:
Uh-hu. Now I’m afraid if I stop talking
I’ll die. Isn’t Mick cool? I thought he’d be all like ‘I’m a rock star and I’m
great’, but he’s just like you or me, or Jesus over there [points at wooden post].
Homer:
Isn’t marijuana, or ‘dope’ illegal?
Dr
Hibbert: Only
for those who enjoy it.
“It’s
legal. I could walk up to the President and blow smoke in his stupid monkey
face.” Homer [on marijuana]
Bart:
Dad, I thought you didn’t like her
saxophone?
Homer:
I didn’t, but now Daddy’s special
medicine…which you must never use because it will ruin your life…let’s Daddy
see and hear magical things you will never experience…ever!
“Ah, that
saxophone would make a great pipe!” Homer [stoned]
“I got a
question for you…could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot that he himself could
not eat it?” Homer
[stoned]
“Wow,
wow, God does so much for me and He doesn’t ask anything in exchange.”
Homer [stoned]
Homer
[stoned]: Otto
is Otto backwards.
Otto
[stoned]: Now
I’m scared!
“Soon as
I graduate I’m out of here!” Homer [stoned, to Marge]
“Any of
you suffer from glaucoma or just rented ‘The
Matrix’, medicinal marijuana can make things fabulous…medicinally.”
Homer
“Well we
can’t just stand here and stare at our hands…although, wow!” Homer [stoned]
“I take a
whisky drink,
I take a chocolate drink,
And when I wanna pee,
I use the kitchen sink.”
Homer’s
drinking song
Grandpa:
Well you’re no angel behind the wheel.
What about your DUI?
Homer:
That was a DWI!
“Talky
thing, ain’t ya?” drunken
Homer to taxi driver
Taxi
driver: So
what do you do for a living?
Homer
[drunk]: Oh
you know, I’m a guy at the place.
Homer
[drunk]: How’d
you get such a crappy job? You a convict, or a junkie?
Taxi
Driver: Little
of both.
“Bye,
kids. On the way back, buy me some beer.” Homer [to Bart & Lisa]
TV
Announcer: Tonight,
‘When Dinosaurs Get Drunk’.
Homer [watches drunken dinosaur collapse]: Ha, ha. I’ve been there.
“I’ve figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of travelling acrobats.” Homer
“You name it, oh wise mountain ape!”
Homer, stoned and drunk, to
Selma
“Being nice is a natural high. Like hiking and paint-thinner.”
Homer
"All normal people love meat. If I went
to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat?'
I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad."
Homer
Moe’s new
jumbo deep-fryer –
Moe:
You can flash-fry a buffalo in 40
seconds!
Homer:
40 seconds? But I want it now!
“NO! I
wanted to die choking on food!” Homer
[being mauled by beavers]
Homer:
Hey, Apu, you got any of that beer with
candy floating in it? I think it’s called ‘Skittlebrau’?
Apu:
Such a thing does not exist. You must
have dreamt it!
Homer: Oh. Give me a six-pack and some ‘Skittles’
then.
Lisa:
Dad, what if I said you could lose
weight without dieting or lifting a finger?
Homer:
I’d say you were a lying scumbag.
Ned
Flander’s inner child: Stay the course, big man, you’re doing
super!
Homer’s
inner child [pointing at belly]: Food goes in here!
“Supper
at
Trent Steel:
Have you had breakfast already?
Homer:
Yeah,
but I usually have three or four.
“I discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch.” Homer [proudly] on his weight-gain since high school
“Stop
that dog, it’s got my gum!” Homer
chasing dog
“I
want you to sit there, look through the window and watch me eat a ham. Marge,
prepare the emergency ham!” Homer
[punishing the dog]
“Mmm,
pistol-whip!” Homer
confuses a savage beating with a delicious desert scooped up with a handgun
“If anybody wants me, I’ll be eating alone in the basement.” Homer [pathetically]
"You
went to a sugar factory? Were there Umpa Lumpas?" Homer
Homer:
Before I bring the sugar in, I want to see
the Umpa Lumpa!
Grant
Motherloving: He’s
right over there.
Homer
[pointing at the Umpa Lumpa and whispering to Bart]:
That guy is freaky!
Homer learns the facts of life -
Young Homer:
Zookeeper, zookeeper, those two monkeys are killing each other!
Zookeeper
[whispers]:
They’re having sex.
Young Homer:
Oh!
"Marge, I'm going to miss you so much.
And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation."
Homer
Marge:
How would you like it if I entered a
belching contest?
Homer:
Frankly I’d be a little turned-on.
"I'm going to the backseat of my car
with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES."
Homer
Marge:
One
quick snuggle.
Homer:
Is there
any other kind?
Mr
Burns:
Homer, I
want you to show this woman the time of her life.
Homer:
Right
ho. Marge, we’re getting drive-thru and doing it twice.
"Ah, sweet pity! Where would my love
life have been without it?"
Homer
"Son, a woman is like a beer. They
smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one!
But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!"
Homer
"Well you know, boys, a nuclear reactor
is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right
button."
Homer (to a group of schoolboys)
Lisa:
Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered
artificial insemination?
Homer:
Boy, I don’t know. You gotta be pretty
desperate to make it with a robot.
"Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville.
Population: You" Homer
on dumping
“Three simple words – I am gay.” Homer’s tip on ending a relationship
Homer’s
Alibi –
Homer:
Fifty spaceships beamed us up and while
they were gang-probing you, I discovered something that blew up their heads.
“You
intergalactic hussy! [Sobs] Was he better than me?”
Homer [on Marge’s infidelity with Kang,
the alien]
“Quit riding his ass – and not in a good way.” Homer intervenes in gay lovers’ spat
Marge:
Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?
Homer: Yup,
pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
“Marriage
is like a coffin and each kid is like another nail…”
Homer to his kids
Reverend
Lovejoy: Dearly beloved...
Homer:
Wait! I want one last chance to enjoy
single life. [Scratches his butt and
belches] Okay, ready.
Lovejoy:
I will now read these special vows which
Homer has prepared for this occasion. "Do you, Marge, take Homer, in
richness and in poorness" -- poorness is underlined -- "in impotence
and in potence, in quiet solitude or blasting across the alkali flats in a
jet-powered, monkey-navigated"...[consults
the notecards]...and it goes on like
this.
Marge [to Lisa]: You look like the wife of a businessman.
Homer: I wish I’d married a businessman. Then I could have had nice things.
"It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day." Homer
Marge:
Homer,
if I died would you be heartbroken?
Homer:
Well, I
wouldn’t be happy.
“He
may be a dirty, snivelling coward, but show me a Simpson who isn’t?” Homer
Homer
[to Santa’s Little Helper]: Boy,
you’re now second best in the family, right ahead of Marge. [Produces list:
Homer, Marge, Lisa, Bart, Maggie, Dog, and Vegas Wife. Dog is crossed out
and rewritten between Homer and Marge.]
Marge:
I’m afraid we’re going to need a bigger
place.
Homer: No we won’t. I’ve got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart’s crib
and Bart’ll sleep with us until he’s 21.
Marge: Won’t that warp him?
Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
Marge: You don’t have a cousin Frank.
Homer: He became Francine back in ’76. Then he joined that cult. I think his
name is Mother Shabubu now.
“Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate. And they practically raise themselves, what with the Internet and whatnot.” Homer
Marge: Homey, I’m worried how fast our kids are
growing up.
Homer: It’s the beef hormones, and the
fluorescent lights. What are you gonna do?
Homer: Someday when Lisa and Bart get married all this’ll all be theirs.
Bart & Lisa: Yuck!
Marge: You mean when they marry other people.
Homer: Whatever, but I’m not paying for two weddings.
“It’s every parent’s dream to outlive their kids.” Homer
“Both of
you go to your rooms and spank yourselves.” Homer [to Bart and Lisa]
Marge:
Homer, you can’t punish the children
just because you can’t come up with an idea.
Homer:
I don’t see why not, they’re my kids, I
own them.
Homer
[to Lisa]: You’ll
be in your cold, cold grave before that ever happens.
Marge:
Homer, will you please stop talking
about the children’s graves.
Homer:
Well if kids are so innocent, why is
everything bad named after them? Acting childish, kidnapping, child abuse.
Bart:
What about adultery?
Homer:
Not until you’re older, son.
"Quiet you kids. If I hear one more
word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to go to
college."
Homer
"Marge,
quick, how many kids do we have? No time, I'll just estimate. 9!" Homer
Lisa:
Dad! You can't just leave us by
ourselves, we need a babysitter!
Homer: Lisa, haven't you seen 'Home Alone'?
If some burglars come it'll be a hilarious situation...
"I promise you kids lots of things. That's what makes me such a good father." Homer
Bart:
You can
be my father-figure!
Homer:
No way!
I’m not getting my fingerprints on that train-wreck. But if I lose Maggie,
I’ll be 0 for 3. I got to get her back.
Bart:
I could
help you!
Homer:
Pipe
down, Amtrak!
Bart: Hot damn!
Homer: Bart, you’re not at school, don’t swear!
Homer:
My
daughter’s got strong feelings about it.
Lenny:
Pro or
con?
Homer:
What am
I, Super Dad?
Homer:
But we love Bart and Lisa!
Judge: And Margaret?
Homer: Margaret? Lady you got the wrong file...
Marge [whispering]: She means Maggie.
Homer: Oh yeah, I don't have anything against her.
"Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids.
Eat them." Homer
to aliens who abducted Simpson family
"OK, son. Just remember to have fun out
there today, and if you lose, I'LL KILL YOU!"
Homer
"Kids, kids. As far as Daddy's
concerned, you're both potential murderers."
Homer
“[angry] Stupid Bart-toon! [giggles] He, he, he! Bart-toon, that’s clever! [angry] I’m going to kill him!” Homer
“If your
mother wasn’t so fancy, we could shop at the gas station like normal people.”
Homer
Marge
[watching Bart in his treehouse]: What do you think he’s doing up there?
Homer:
I dunno. Drug lab?
Marge:
Homer, your father’s dead!
Homer
[sobs]: He
never even lived to be a vegetable.
Homer:
Oh, my father never even knew how I felt
about him!
Marge:
But you were very open with your
feelings.
Homer:
Sure, I said I loved him. But never
that…I was in love with him!
Homer:
No, he’s got to learn, like my dad made
me learn!
Marge:
He is your dad!
Homer:
Cosmic!
Grandpa
Simpson: Son,
can you forgive an old fool?
Homer
[hugging him]: Only
in public.
Bart:
You know, Grandpa kinda smells like that
trunk in the garage where the bottom's all wet.
Lisa:
Nuh-uh, he smells more like a photo lab.
Homer: Stop it, both of you! Grandpa smells like a regular old man, which is
more like a hallway in a hospital.
Homer: If you don't start making more sense, we're
going to have to put you in a home.
Grandpa: You already put me in
a home.
Homer: Then we'll put you in
the crooked home we saw on ‘Sixty Minutes’!
Grandpa [meekly]: I'll be good.
"Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great
things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless."
"Now Bart, since you broke Grandpa's
teeth, he gets to break yours."
Marge: Lisa, welcome to love. It’s full of doubt,
and pain, and uncertainty. But then one day you find a man you love so much it
hurts.
Homer
[jealous]: Who is
he?
Marge: You, Homey.
Homer: Woo-hoo! In your face, imaginary guy!
Homer,
driving the family car, cuts off another motorist –
Driver
[shouts]: Idiot!
“We had a deal – your sisters don’t come here after six o’clock, and I stop eating your lipstick.” Homer [to Marge]
“Okay,
let’s make a pact. This is going to be the best vacation ever, or we all agree
to disband and join other families.”
Homer
Bart:
I love you, Dad.
“I wish
God was alive to see this.” Homer
"I'm
normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me,
Superman!" Homer
“I’ve
come to hate my own creation. Now I know how God feels.” Homer
“God
bless those pagans!” Homer
“There
once was a man with long hair and some wild ideas who didn't always do what
everyone thought was right. You remember him, he used to drive that blue car?”
Homer
Homer: Gambling's okay, it says so in the Bible.
Lisa: Where?
Homer: Somewhere in the back.
“Oh,
everything’s too damned expensive these days. Look at this Bible I just got. 15
bucks, and talk about a preachy book. Everybody’s a sinner…except for this
guy.”
Homer reading The Bible
"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us
nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such
as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."
Homer
"I've always wondered if there was a
God. And now I know there is…and it's me."
Homer
“I was working on a tax proposal and I
accidentally proved there was no God!”
Homer
“A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. It’s clear now why God portions it out in those tiny packets, and lives on a plantation in Hawaii.” Homer
“Jesus, Allah, Buddha, I love you all!” Homer, facing death
“It would have been much worse if I hadn’t
been carrying this Bible in my crotch.”
Homer
Homer:
Don’t
worry, son, I’ll build you a new treehouse. One so grand it’ll be an affront
to God himself!
Bart:
Can it
have a rope ladder you can pull up after yourself?
“Who knows more about electricity than the
Amish?” Homer
“Flames, searing pain, a black cat? I must be in Heaven!” Homer
"Don't worry, son. I'm sure he's up in
heaven right now laughing it up with all the other celebrities: John Dilinger,
Ty Cobb, Joseph Stalin." Homer [on Krusty]
Homer:
So I thought, what would God do in my
place?
Bart:
Ha, ha, locusts!
Homer:
It’s all in the Bible, son. The Pranksters’
Bible.
Homer:
God, if you really are God, you'll get
me tickets to that game! [doorbell
rings]
Ned
Flanders: Hidely-ho,
neighbour. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick…
Homer [slams
the door & stares heaven-wards]: Why
do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge:
Homer, that's not God. That's just a
waffle that Bart tossed up there. [Marge
scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer's hands]
Homer:
I know I shouldn't eat thee, but…[bites]…Mmm, sacrilicious.
“Look, just give me some inner peace or I’ll
mop the floor with you!”
Homer
“Dude,
Meet me in
"Marge, there's an empty spot I've
always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community
service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer." Homer
[on a new recliner]
“And
Lord, we are equally thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest and safest energy
source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe-dream.” Homer
Homer
[as Mardi Gras King]: Your
King needs your stilts.
Jimbo:
Jesus is our only king.
Homer:
Not anymore.
Levelle
(bodyguard trainer): Your
loyalty is to your protectee. Not to your family, or your country. And not to
Mohammed!
Homer: Not even during Ramadan?
Marge
[to Bart]:
You can’t ask God to kill someone.
Homer:
Yeah,
you do your own dirty work!
Stan Taylor (Pro
Footballer):
I used to party all night and sleep with lingerie models, until Ned and his
Bible group showed me I could have more.
Homer [scornfully]: Professional athletes, always wanting more!
“When are
people going to learn, democracy doesn’t work!” Homer
“Go back
to
"Marge, I agree with you…in theory. In
theory, communism works. In theory."
Homer
Bart: Teamwork sucks…and what’s all this I keep hearing about tolerance?
Homer: Your ideas intrigue me. How can I subscribe to your newsletter?
Marge:
Who is Muntu?
Katengi
(African guide): He
seized power in a bloodless coup. All smothering!
Homer:
Just like Jimmy Carter.
Flanders:
I
haven’t felt this good since we stole the 2000 election.
Homer:
Don’t blame me, I voted for the
green M&M.
“Let the
bears pay the bear tax. I pay the Homer tax.” Homer
Homer
[leading chant]: We’re
here, we’re queer. We don’t want any more bears!
Lenny:
Hey, Homer, that’s a pretty catchy
chant, where’d you here it?
Homer:
At the moustache parade they have every
year.
Girl with
Smashing Pumpkins: I
was in the Audio-Visual Club.
Homer:
What? Me too! But they kicked me out
because of my views on
Homer:
But Marge, I was a political prisoner!
Marge:
How were you a political prisoner?
Homer:
I kicked a giant mouse in the butt, do I
have to draw you a diagram?
“Ahh,
Oliver North, he was just poured into that uniform!”
Homer
“Impeach
Churchill!” a
confused Homer
Homer
[becoming union rep]: Hey,
what does this job pay?
Carl:
Nothing.
Homer:
D’oh!
Carl:
Unless you’re crooked.
Homer:
Woo-hoo!
“You guys are commie! Then why am I seeing rudimentary free markets?” Homer on China
"Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the
American dream?" Homer
Homer:
Well I quit my job, just like you told
me.
Marge:
I didn’t tell you to quit your job.
Homer: Yes you did. I remember your exact word.
You said, I should quit my job and become an inventor, or you’d torch the
house.
Marge:
That doesn’t sound like me. Well if this
doesn’t work out you can always go back to the plant.
Homer:
Not the way I quit, hee, hee, hoo.
"No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like
their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really
half-assed."
Homer
"I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my
motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when
I'm around!"
Homer
"If something goes wrong at the plant,
blame the guy who can't speak English."
Homer
Marge:
How was your day at work, dear?
Homer: Oh, the usual. Stand in front of this, open that, pull down this, bend
over, spread apart that, turn your head that way, cough …
Marge: The plant called. They said if you don’t go in tomorrow, don’t bother to come in on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo, four day weekend!
Marge:
They love you down at the plant.
Homer:
Yeah, you’re right. Guys are always
patting my bald head for luck and pinching my belly to hear my girlish laugh.
Marge:
Mmm, that doesn’t sound like they like
you at all?
Homer:
You know, you’re right. First thing
tomorrow morning I’m going to punch Lenny in the back of the head!
Kent
Brockman [interviewing Homer Simpson, Union Kingpin]:
Homer, organised labour has been called
a lumbering dinosaur,
Homer
[shrieks]: Aaah!
Kent
Brockman: Yes,
Homer:
Woo-hoo!
“Oh, I’m going to lose my job just because I’m dangerously unqualified!” Homer
“Now he’s
just a stinking flight-attendant!” Homer
“Remember your hippopotamus oath!”
Homer to
Doctor Hibbert
Dr
Hibbert: Well
there is medication, but it’s…controversial.
Homer:
Does it go in the butt?
"All
right, let's not panic. I'll get the money back by selling one of my livers. I
can get by with one." Homer
Homer
smoking two cigarettes at once -
DMV Woman:
Are these cigarettes yours, sir?
Homer:
Yes, I am in flavour country.
DMV
Woman: Both of them?
Homer:
It’s a big country.
DMV
Woman: You sir, are worse than
Hitler!
“Hey, I
came here to be drugged, electrocuted and probed, not insulted.”
Homer as a guinea pig at the ‘
“Yes,
that’s what happens when you get older. It’s one of those natural things,
beautiful in its way.” Homer
waxes philosophical on Grandpa Simpsons exploded kidneys
Homer:
If I die during the operation, will you
do one thing for me?
Marge:
Oh anything, sweetheart!
Homer:
Blow up the hospital.
“I’ll get me kidney back, old man! You have to sleep sometime!” Homer to Grandpa Simpson
“Man this is crazy, I hope I don’t brain my
damage.”
Homer
Marge:
I couldn’t even wake you up for work
this morning; I had to tell Mr Burns you had raging diahorrea.
Homer:
Oh, couldn’t you come up with a less
embarrassing line?
Marge:
But you did have raging diahorrea.
Nobody open the hallway closet until I say it’s okay.
Marge: How's your back?
Homer: I can't complain. [indicates 'No Complaining' sign]
Doctor:
We could remove the crayon for you. It
could vastly increase your brain power…or it could possibly kill you.
Homer:
Hmm, increase my killing power, eh?
Let’s do it!
“Lisa,
the important thing is for your mother to repress what happened. Push it deep
down inside her, so she doesn’t annoy us again.” Homer
“I
don’t believe in it. It breaks up families. It turns wives against husbands,
children against fathers, and neighbours against me.” Homer on therapy
Homer:
Did you talk about me in therapy today?
Marge:
I don’t think so.
Homer
[shouting]: Tell
me the truth! [gasps & continues
panic-stricken] Don’t tell her I
raised my voice. Happy families, happy families!
Lisa:
Congratulations, Dad. The first step is
admitting you have a problem.
Homer:
Is it also the last step?
Lisa:
No, the last step is quitting.
Homer:
D’oh!
Boat
Rental Clerk: I
assume you read the boat safety manual?
Homer
[bored]: Oh
yeah, couldn’t put it down.
Homer: And how is education supposed to make me
feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new it pushes some old
stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I
forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you
were drunk!
“English,
who needs that? I'm never going to
Lisa:
I’ll never get into an Ivy League
college now. At this rate, I’ll probably have to go to Vasser!
Homer
[furious]: I’ve
had just about enough of your Vasser bashing, young lady!
“There
are two kinds of college student: jocks and nerds. As a jock it is my duty to
give nerds a hard time.” Homer
“Hello,
Dean, you are a stupid head!” Homer’s
prank call
“Actually
I’ve been working on a plan. During the exam I’ll hide under some coats, and
hope everything works out.” Homer
“But
nerds are my mortal enemy!” Homer
“Look
at her pound that nerd!” Homer
[laughing, on school bully Francine]
Marge:
It took the kids forty minutes to locate
Homer:
“In this
house, young lady, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!”
Homer on Lisa’s perpetual motion machine
Lisa:
Doogie Howser went to college when he
was my age.
Homer:
Against my wishes.
“Boudoir
– Where a French guy does it.” Homer’s guide to expanding your vocabulary
Lisa:
Who will
police the police?
Homer:
I dunno.
The Coast Guard?
Homer:
No way, man, no way, man, get yourself
another patsy, man. No way am I wearing no freaking wire!
Chief
Wiggum: Okay,
would you be willing to wear a hidden camera and microphone?
Homer: Oh that I’ll do.
“Can’t
you do anything? Surprise witnesses? Evidence tampering? Play the race card! [Threatening] Play it!” Homer [to lawyer on being convicted]
“I torched a blood-bank…one cookie, my ass!” Homer
“Stealing?
How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those
sermons at church? Captain what’s-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why
do you think I took you to all those
“By going down the ladder you are agreeing not to sue.” Homer [evacuating his burning treehouse]
“The
Chair? How come they only do crucifixion during sweeps?” Homer [watching televised
execution]
Homer:
It’s Marge! She’s become a
crazed criminal just because I didn’t take her to the ballet!
Chief
Wiggum: That’s
exactly how Dillinger started.
Homer:
Really?
Bart: You were telling me about the time you got out of jury duty.
Homer: Oh yeah, the trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.
Marge:
Homer, do you want your son to grow up to be
a Supreme Court Justice, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer:
Can’t he be both, like the late Chief
Justice Earl Warren?
Marge:
Earl Warren wasn’t a male
stripper.
Homer:
Now who’s being naïve, Marge?
“Operator,
give me the number for 911.” Homer
Prison Guard:
How’d
you like to be a full-time rat?
Homer
[excited]:
Really?
You mean eat cheese, gnaw through electrical cords, things like that?
Jimbo:
You let
me down, man. Now I don’t believe in nothing no more. I’m going to law school.
Homer
[falls to his knees and screams]:
Nooo!
“Not community service, I hate helping people!”
Homer
"
“In
“America
loves its kings, from George the Third, to Larry.” Homer [as Mardi Gras King]
“If
you don’t like it, move to
“We all
know the thirteen stripes are for good luck,” Homer [on the
Homer:
Florida, but that’s America’s wang!
Psychiatrist:
They
prefer the Sunshine State.
“You
people are guests in our country, and the beaver have no right to treat you this
way.” Homer
[to Native American]
Homer:
I once knew a man from
Bart:
And?
Homer:
Well, let’s just say the stories about
him were greatly exaggerated.
Bart:
This isn’t
real money, it’s printed by the Montana Militia!
Homer:
It’ll be
real soon enough.
Moe:
I’m pulling your song from the jukebox.
Homer:
‘It’s
Raining Men’!
Moe:
Not anymore it ain’t.
“Did you
ever see the ‘Blue Man Group’? Total rip off of the Smurfs!” a drunken Homer holds forth
Mick
Jagger: Welcome
to Rock n’ Roll Fantasy camp, where you’ll experience the complete rock &
roll lifestyle, without the lawsuits and STDs.
Homer:
Woo-hoo, STDs!
“But rock
stars are supposed to be about drinking, and getting drunk, and boozing it up.”
Homer
Marge:
These are horrible ghouls from the past!
Homer:
So are the Grammy judges.
Homer [singing]: Yvan eht nioj.
Lisa: Yvan eht nioj. What does
that mean?
Homer: Oh honey, it's just one
of those nonsensical verses like "ram-a-lama ding-dong", or
"Give peace a chance”.
“That’s
even worse than the album Grandpa released!” Homer
“He lied
to us through song! I hate when people do that!” Homer
Marge:
A chimp!
Bart:
Hey, maybe he’ll lead us to bananas?
Homer:
Or more mouth-watering monkeys.
Homer
[making polite conversation]: So I noticed your home smells of faeces?
Dr
Bushwell (chimp researcher): Yes?
Homer:
And not just monkey faeces.
Lisa: There’s an Internet café opening in Springvale.
Homer: The Internet, is that still going?
Bart: I know a website that shows monkeys doing it.
Lisa: Bart, the Internet is more than a global pornography market.
[Horn blast, cut
to Homer and Bart in the car outside]
Homer:
Come on,
Lisa! Monkeys!
“Look at those fools on land with their stupid laws. They will never know the simple pleasures of a monkey knife-fight.” Homer [at sea, and loving it]
Bart:
I rented all your favourite gorilla
movies: ‘Gorilla Squadron’, ‘
Homer:
‘Apes-a-poppin’
- the airline version!
“Hee-hee-hee,
that monkey’s wearing a hat.” Homer,
watching ‘Editor- in-Chimp’ in the video store. “Look, he’s misspelling words!”
“Hello,
son, I didn’t know you, Jay Leno and a monkey were bathing a clown.”
Homer barges into the bathroom
“They
just surrounded it with something even better. Like a raisin covered in
chocolate, or a monkey in a cowboy suit.”
Homer
“And I say a
monkey can mow our lawn!”
Homer [apropos to nothing]
“Poachers
are just nature’s way of keeping the balance. Whenever there are so many
species that people get confused and angry, a poacher is born.”
Homer
“Lisa, a man with lots of ivory is less likely to hurt Stampy than a man whose ivory stocks are low.” Homer [on selling Stampy the elephant to ivory dealer, Blackheart]
“Don’t
worry, being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep…in a blender.”
Homer
“I’m
your pal; I took you for a walk once.” Homer [to Santa’s Little Helper]
Homer:
I want to pet the dog!
Marge:
You can pet the cat.
Homer:
The cat? What’s the point?
“I
thought cats were just for losers who lived in apartments!” Homer
Kent
Brockman: Mr
Simpson, how long have you been a cat person?
Homer:
All my life,
Kent
Brockman: You
must really love the Broadway musical ‘Cats’!
Homer: Bart,
kill that cat. Then that big yellow flower.
Marge:
Homer,
you’re growing insanity is starting to worry me!
“Come on
sharkey, get a piece of this! You call yourself the king of the jungle!”
Homer baits man-eating sharks
“The bee
bit my bottom, now my bottom’s big.” Homer
“Bad
bees, bad…ow, they’re defending themselves somehow!”
Homer attacked by bees
Kent
Brockman reading the news: …And
that is how a hippo became a deputy.
Homer:
Stupid hippo!
“We don’t
have to go on a trip. We’ll just wait for the killer bees to come to us.”
Homer
Homer
stumbles across his unconscious doppelganger, Guy Incognito:
Oh my god, this man is my exact double!
That dog has a puffy tail. [Chases
dog, giggling] Here puff, here
puffy!
“Finally,
man has triumphed over a small furry animal!” Homer
Pet Shop
Assistant: Are
you going to buy those toads or just lick them?
Homer:
Lick them, go away.
Chief Wiggum: This horse is going to the dog-food factory.
Homer: Good luck getting a horse to eat dog-food!
“The horse better win, or we’re taking a trip to the glue factory…and he’s not coming.” Homer
Management-Union
Negotiations –
Mr Burns:
We don’t have to be adversaries, Homer.
We both want a fair union contract.
Homer’s
Brain: Why’s Mr Burns being so nice to me?
Mr Burns:
And if you scratch my back, I’ll scratch
yours.
Homer’s
Brain: Wait a minute, is he coming on to me?
Mr Burns:
I mean, if I should slip something into
your pocket, where’s the harm?
Homer’s
Brain: Oh my god, he is coming on to me!
Mr Burns:
After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows
[winks].
Homer’s
Brain: Aaah!
Homer:
Sorry, Mr Burns, I don’t go in for these
back-room shenanigans. Sure, I’m flattered, maybe even a little curious, but
the answer is no.
Lisa:
'Tis better to remain silent and be
thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Homer’s Brain: What does that mean? Better say
something or they'll think you're stupid.
Homer: Takes one to know one.
Homer’s Brain: Swish!
After Homer crashes the family's
two cars -
Insurance Agent: Now, before I give you the check, one more
question. This place
‘Moe's’ you
left just before the accident. This is a business of some kind?
Homer’s Brain: Don't tell him you were at a bar!
[Gasps] But what else is open at night?
Homer: It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.
Homer’s Brain: Heh, heh, heh. I would a never
thought of that.
Driving to the funeral -
Patty: I can't believe Aunt Gladys is really gone.
Homer’s Brain: Yeah, the legend of the dog-faced
woman!
Homer [laughs hysterically]: Legend of the dog-faced woman! Oh, that's
good!
Marge: HOMER!
Homer: Wha--? D'oh!
Administrator: And what are your reasons for wanting a
Little Brother?
Homer’s Brain: Don't say revenge! Don't say
revenge!
Homer: Uh, revenge?
Homer’s Brain: That's it, I'm gettin' outta
here. [footsteps and a door slam]
Homer’s Brain: This
is it, Homer. It's time to tell her the horrible secret from your past.
Homer: Marge I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.
Marge: Oh, my God!
Homer’s Brain: No, the other secret!
Homer: All right brain, you don't like me, and I
don't like you.
But let's just
get me through this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.
Homer’s Brain: It's
a deal!
Homer the
vigilante -
Marge: Homer, wasn't the whole point to catch the
Cat Burglar?
Lisa: And I still don't have my saxophone.
Homer: Lisa, the mob is working on getting your saxophone back. But we've also expanded into other important
areas.
[reads list] Literacy programs, preserving our beloved covered bridges,
world domination…
Lisa: World domination?
Homer: Oh ho, heh, that might be a typo.
Homer’s Brain: Mental note: the girl knows too
much.
At Lenny's house, Homer, Lenny,
Carl, Barney and Moe are playing poker -
Carl: Hey, don't yell at Homer. Just 'cause he's a
little slow... [Homer
gasps]
Homer’s Brain: Something was said...not good.
What was it? "Don't yell at Homer!" No, that's
OK. What was it? ...Slow! They called you slow!
Homer [stands up, yells]: How dare you call me that! I -- huh?
[Lenny walks into empty kitchen wearing
night-cap]
Lenny [opens fridge]: Hey, Homer, you still here? Boy, you are slow.
Homer’s Brain: Something said...not good.
Lenny: Get the hell out of here!
Homer: All right, Brain, it's all up to you. If
you don't think of what
it is, we'll
lose Marge forever.
Homer’s Brain: Eat the pudding eat the pudding
eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding
eat the pudding…
Homer: OK. But then we gotta get to work. [pigs out]
Homer receives the telephone bill
-
Homer:
Homer’s Brain: Quiet,
it might be you! I can't remember.
Homer: Na, I'm going to ask Marge.
Homer’s Brain: No, no! Why embarrass us both?
Just write a cheque and I'll
release some
more endorphins.
[Homer scribbles a cheque, then sighs with
pleasure]
Homer: Bart, you didn't finish your spaghetti and
Moe balls!
Homer's Brain: Silence, you fool. It can be
ours!
Homer [eating]: Run, boy! Run! Run for your life, boy!
Comic Book Guy: Question: is your name Ridley Scott or
James Cameron?
Homer: No, it's Homer.
Comic Book Guy: Then I would thank you to stop peering at my screenplay, Ho-mer. And if I see a movie
where computers
threaten our personal liberties, I will know you have stolen my
idea.
Homer: But I'm just waiting for my kid.
Homer’s Brain: Mental note -- steal his idea.
Marge:
Name one person who got rich from yo-yo
tricks!”
Homer’s
Brain: Donald Trump? No.
Homer:
D’oh!
Homer:
To find
Homer’s
Brain: My name’s Flanders, and I’m a
big, fat lame-o, and I wear the same stupid sweater every day…
Homer:
To the
“Homer had some food stuck to his face for three days. And it wasn’t small either, it was a chicken wing.” Otto
“Welcome to the third lecture in our series on not putting things up your nose. Here’s Homer Simpson…” Principal Skinner
“Play
along, Chubbsy, there’s a pie in it for you.” Burns to Homer
“Put my
hand on her knee,” Burns
to Homer, while escorting his date. “I
said her, and I said knee.”
Homer
sits eating in the window of the Frying Dutchman –
First
onlooker: Oh,
he’s hideous!
Second
onlooker: I
heard they shaved a gorilla.
Audience Member: I got a question for that gross thing, whatever it is?
Jerry Springer: Homer.
“I stole this accordion from a blind monkey, but you disgust even me!” Frenchman to Homer
“I didn’t
think it was possible, but watching him makes me more lesbian.”
Lesbian on Homer
“Mom,
there’s a lot of swearing and a funny smell coming from the basement, and Dad’s
upstairs.” Lisa
“Simpson, I hate to bother you when you’re eating, but you’re always eating.” Chief Wiggum
Marge:
This is ridiculous! You’ve been through
my delicates, my silkies, my dainties, and my unmentionables.
Chief
Wiggum [holding up a bra]: I
insist on searching every inch of this house personally.
Homer:
Here’s my underwear draw.
Chief
Wiggum: Where’s
that bomb-disposal robot?
“Smithers,
you could learn something from this braying moron.” Mr Burns [on a stoned Homer]
“Smithers,
I’m beginning to think Homer Simpson was not the brilliant tactician I
thought?” Mr Burns
“Well what about this, 'The Duff Book of World Records'. It’s got deformities!” Marge tempting Homer with the joys of reading
“You
sweet, wonderful man-child!” Marge [to Homer]
“Every time you go to that cook-off, you get drunker than a poet on pay-day.” Marge [to Homer]
“I knew you’d be on foot because you always say public transport is for losers.” Marge [to Homer]
“Wow,
if your fly wasn’t open you’d look just like Roger Moore!” Marge [on Homer’s
hair-transplant]
“Thank
god his pants stayed on!” Bart
[as Homer bursts out of clothes in Hulk-like rage]
“There’s
nothing in here you didn’t see when Dad was boycotting pants.” Bart [to Lisa, on the boys’
toilets at school]
“Mr
Simpson, these items are very different from usual purchases of pork and
beer?” Apu
to Homer
“Strong words! Strong words from a strange man.” Kent Brockman on Homer
“Get
in here, boozy, you’re late for your drunkening!” Moe [dragging Homer into his bar]
Alec
Baldwin [on Homer]: I
miss the way he used to tuck us in and kiss us on the forehead.
Kim
Basinger: Forehead?
“Make me
proud, or at least less ashamed”
Grandpa
Simpson to Homer
Homer:
Mild-mannered Homer Simpson.
Lisa:
You’re
not mild-mannered, you’re often liquored up and rude!
Marge [to
Homer]: I’m
glad you had fun, but it’s time to come home.
Tom
Petty: Your mother’s right,
Homer.
“Dude,
your Mom is hot!” Otto
[to Homer, on Marge]
“Here we
have a man with an obvious eating disorder and a woman with a bizarre
hairstyle; I’m sure worn only for shock value.” Brad Goodman on Homer and Marge’s
unsuitability as parents
Homer:
I blame myself for this.
Marge:
We all blame you!
‘Dragnet’-
style voice-over: Homer
Simpson was remanded to the custody of the
Homer:
Woo-hoo!
“That place had a Manson Family vibe.” College girl on the Simpson household
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