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Welcome to the site dedicated to the wit and wisdom of one of the great thinkers and philosophers of our time, Homer Simpson. If you, like me, have sought that special quote from the man voted in high school, "most likely to be a mental patient, hillbilly, or chimpanzee", then look no further.
Homer Jr. (the other kids call me Ho-Ju)
“Trying
is the first step to failure.” Homer
Marge
[admonishing]: You know, Homer, it’s very easy to criticise. “Kids,
you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.” Homer "If
you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers." Homer “If
something’s hard to do, it’s not worth doing.” Homer Lisa: Why do you hate the Isotopes so much,
Dad? “Well of course, everything looks bad if you remember it!” Homer “Son,
when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s
how drunk you get.” Homer
“Marge,
don’t discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s
what separates us from the animals…except the weasel.” Homer “Marge,
it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.” Homer "You can't keep blaming yourself. Just
blame yourself once, and move on." Homer “I’ve
learnt life is one crushing defeat after another, until you wish Flanders was dead!” Homer "What's the point of going out, we're just going to end up back here anyway?"Homer “Woo-hoo! Good
things do happen to bad people!” Homer [on being crowned Mardi Gras King] “I’m the
luckiest man in the world, now Lou Gehrig’s dead.” Homer “You gave
both dogs away? You know how I feel about giving!” Homer "No matter how good you are at
something, there's always about a million people better than you." Homer Burns: There’s no muscle stronger than the
human heart. "You never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure, it's not 1985 right
now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?" Homer "Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos." Homer "Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!" Homer “Stupid
gravity!” Homer, after falling “Come on, Marge, it’s fun to smash things!” Homer Lisa [hysterical]: My
God, I’m losing my perspicacity! “A
library selling books? I don’t want them for free, why would I pay for them?” Homer “I swore I would
never read again after I read ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’. It gave me no useful
advice on how to kill a mockingbird. It did teach me not to judge a man by the
colour of his skin, but what use is that?” Homer “If you two hens have
finished clucking, I want to buy my copy of ‘Jugs & Ammo’” Homer “The sea
forgives all, not like those mean old mountains, I hate them so much!” Homer Lisa: Dad, please, for the last time, I beg
you: don't lower yourself to the level of the mob! Lisa: Bart’s acting funny. Bart: Somebody ought to ruin Gabbo's career the way he ruined Krusty's. Lisa: A rose by any other name would smell as
sweet. Sea
Captain: Welcome aboard the ship of the damned! "We’re
going out, Marge. If we don’t come back, avenge our deaths.” Homer Lisa: Did you know the Chinese use the same
word for crisis as opportunity? Bart: That’s a hitch-hiker, Homer. “Okay,
whatever takes my mind off my life…well turn something on, I’m starting to think!”> Homer [on choosing between TV and radio] "Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things
like...love!" Homer "Oh, I'm not gonna lie to you Marge…see ya!" Homer "I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie,
godless, evil stuff. And I want in.” Homer “Being a
clown sucks, you get kicked by kids, bitten by dogs and admired by the elderly.” Homer [as a Krusty lookalike] “Carnies
built this country, well the carnival part anyway. They may be rat-like in
appearance, but they are kings among men.” Homer “We could
start our own game. People throw ducks at balloons and nothing is how it
seems.” Homer dreams of life as a carny “Come on,
Marge, I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I wanna explore the
world. I wanna watch TV in a different time zone. I wanna explore strange
exotic malls. I’m sick of eating hoagies; I wanna a grinder, a sub, a foot-long
hero. I wanna live, Marge, won’t you let me live? Won’t you, please?” Homer "I'm
not outta control! You're outta control! The whole freakin' system's outta
control! You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach
over and stick your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face!
You'll know what to do - forget it Marge - it's Chinatown!" Homer Homer: I will give up the civil war recreation
society I so dearly love. Homer: Marge, I'm bored ... "Don't
let Krusty's death get you down boy. People die all the time, just like that.
[snaps fingers] Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night." Homer [to Bart] “I’m
entitled to a private life, I am not a role model, and so on.” Homer Marge: Did they ever find Tom Petty’s toe? Lisa: Is he dead? Bart: Dad, five minutes ago you hated him! “I’ve seen plays more exciting plays than this! Honest to God plays!” Homer [at the wildlife
park] Homer: Look at those stupid city slickers, with
their fur coats and pointy hats! “Sleeping
bags on the ground and a raging fire. It’ll be just like the time I got kicked
out of the sporting goods store.” Homer “I’ll
staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran" Homer "I
don't have to be careful, I've got a gun." Homer “Ha, ha,
ha. In real life he’d die.” Homer observes cinematic ironies "Do you want the job done right, or do you want it done fast?" Homer Bart: Mom! My slingshot doesn't fit in these
pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck. Homer: Seatbelts? They kill more people than
they save! "Herman,
how could you? We've all thought about counterfeiting jeans at one time or
another, but what about the victims? Hard-working designers like Calvin Klein,
Gloria Vanderbilt, or Antoine Bugle Boy. These are the people who saw an overcrowded marketplace and said, ‘Me, too!'" Homer "Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman – and I have no
interest in that, besides wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing." Homer “Are you
sure this is a sci-fi convention, it’s full of nerds?” Homer on Bi-Mon Sci-Con Lisa: Dad, I think that's pretty spurious. “Lousy
two-legged pants!” Homer Simpson
family watching TV – “This is
a highly sophist-acatated doo-wacky.” Homer “And
Lenny said, ‘As if! Don’t even go there, girlfriend!’” Homer regales the family with his
anecdotes Homer at the ‘She-She Lounge’: Wait
a minute, there’s something bothering me about this place? I know! This lesbian
bar has no fire escape! Enjoy your death-trap, ladies! Lisa [awaking
after dreaming of JFK]: Ich bin ein gymnast! Lisa: Who wants to put on a leotard and get
screamed at? “I hope
he tells us to burn our pants, these things are killing me.” Homer "If I
wanted to see Japanese people, I would have gone to the zoo.” Homer Marge: You liked ‘Rashomon’ “Oh no,
I’m not lending you my car. You’ll probably drive it!” Homer to Grandpa “Do you
have any idea what you put us through? I called the police, the hospital, my
bookie, the kennel…okay this isn’t about who I called.” Homer chastises Grandpa Marge: Grandpa, I gotta tell you, she’s a
stone-cold hoochie! “Not Mr
Blasty!" [sobs] "It’s okay, boy, you’ll be shooting angels
in Heaven.” Homer [tearfully giving up his favourite pistol] Dr
Hibbert [on mutated Groundskeeper Willie]: Now he may try to slobber on your crotch. “You guys
are crazy! All you can do is eat and sleep and mate and roll around in your own
filth, and mate and eat…where do I sign up?” Homer [to mutants] “You
ain’t pretty no more!” Homer [destroying scarecrow] Marge: Where did you get that suit? Homer: Wait, I’ve changed my mind, stack it in
the order I’ll eat it driving home. Nerd: Could you stop calling us nerds? Homer
eating old animal crackers – “And on
my free African safari I want to do everything on this box: Shoot a lion in the
face, fight Mohammed Ali, and ride in a convertible with two happy zebras.” Homer “It was a
tumultuous time for a nation. The clear beverage craze gave us all a reason to
live. The information superhighway told the average person what some nerd
thinks about Star Trek. And the domestication of the dog continued unabated.” Homer [reminiscing] “Remember
what Vince Lombardi said: If you lose, you're outta the family” Homer "The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The
rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of
those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels
exactly the same way you do." Homer "Old people don't need companionship.
They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what
nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use." Homer "Oh, people can come up with statistics
to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that." Homer “I’ll never mock the Coast Guard again. You
Navy rejects are alright!” Homer "Public transportation is for jerks and
lesbians!” Homer "They have the Internet on computers now?" Homer Homer
[staring at Carmen Electra’s breasts]: I think you should be ashamed, toying with a human life for ratings. “Now I’ll
bust that pretty face of yours!” Homer [threatening astronaut] “We’ll be
rich, richer than astronauts!” Homer
"Sometimes the only way you can feel
good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making
other people feel good about themselves!" Homer Homer [in
the school library]: And these hardy Boys books are great too. This one’s about smugglers. "You think I don't want to? It's those
TV networks, Marge, they won't let me. One quality show after another, each one fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave
us thirty minutes to ourselves, but they won't! They won't let me live!" Homer “If celebrities didn’t want people clawing through their garbage and saying they’re gay, they shouldn’t have tried to express themselves creatively!” Homer Barney [on his cell phone while driving]: Why don’t you get one of those hands-free phones?
It’s the next best thing to paying attention to the road. Homer: Look, I
got the runner-up prize! Homer: You
aren’t going to ask me to pose nude, are you? “Hee hee! Look at this country! 'You are gay'!” Homer spotting Uruguay on a globe Moe: I think we might have to make a trip to Little Italy. Marge: What happened to you, Homer? And what happened to the car? Homer: He’s got all the money in the world,
but there’s one thing he can’t buy. Reporter: Don't you think it's dangerous to send civilians into space? Billy
Corgan [offering hand]: Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins. Chief Wiggum:There are ghost cars all over this highway. Homer: Mel Gibson is just a guy, like me or Lenny. Bart: Dad, you killed the zombie Flanders! Homer [on college pranks]: The only antidote to a zany scheme is an even zanier scheme. Marge: There’s a man here who thinks he can help you. “Don’t laugh at me, I was once like you!” Homer "You know, Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, `Homer, you're a big
disappointment', and God bless her soul, she was really onto something." Homer "In High School I was voted most likely to be a mental patient, hillbilly or chimpanzee.” Homer “Marge,
I’m not like other men. That’s why you buy my pants at the special store.” Homer “Ooh,
look at me, I’m making people happy. I’m the magical man from happy land, in a
gumdrop house on lollipop lane… Oh, by the way I was being sarcastic!” Homer "I'm a white male, 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me! No matter how dumb my
suggestions are." Homer “Flanders,
I am a patient, reasonable, handsome man. But even I have my limits.” Homer “Maybe, just once, someone will call me
‘sir’ without adding, ‘you're making a scene’.” Homer Homer: You didn’t thank me! “Talking about achievers, they’re going to spray your old man’s workspace for ticks!” Homer [trying to impress Bart] “Do I know the meaning of rhetorical?” Homer Marge: Well everyone’s got a fear of something. Homer: Edison was just like me. Homer: All right, I’ll do it for my kids. Bart: Dad, do you wear boxers or briefs? Lisa: Maybe you’re getting stronger? Old Lady: You’re as strong as you are handsome. “I was having the most wonderful dream. I had a hat and a tie, and I wasn’t wearing any pants.” Homer Homer strangling Bart – Homer: I’m just passionate, like all us Greeks! “I gave up anger forever. From now on I’m into candles, soft music and horse-tranquillisers.” Homer “They
won’t let me in the big people library downtown. There was some unpleasantness.
I can never go back.” Homer [in the school library] Homer: Is
that our house? Lurleen: Homer, you’re just a big bag of sugar! Lurleen: Homer, you’re as smart as you are handsome! “And I got this scar sneaking under the door of a pay toilet.” Homer “Hey,
mister, I’m gonna need two seats on the plane" [points at his butt] "for the twins.” Homer Lisa: Shouldn’t you put on a batting helmet? Marriage Counsellor: Before you came in I asked each of you to make a list of the people who are most
important to you. Homer, you first. "Yes, honey...Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle." Homer “They don’t call me Springfield Fats just because I’m morbidly obese.” Homer [playing pool] Homer: I hate folding sheets! “Back
your robots! No one ruins the family vacation, except me…and maybe the boy!” Homer “My hair,
my hair! You chopped off my hair! God, I’m ugly!” Homer’s three hairs are severed Flanders: I’ve got a pounding headache, my mouth tastes like vomit and I can’t remember anything. “I am disgruntled and up until now I was relatively gruntled!” Homer "I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals fla-a-aming." Homer “Good news, Marge, I’ve learned to walk naked on stilts!” Homer “Homer no function beer well without.” Homer "To
alcohol...the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!" Homer "Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs." Homer Homer: If they don’t let me in here I’ll have to quit drinking. [Cheer from within his body] Shut up, liver! [Punches himself in the back] “Asleep at the switch! I wasn’t asleep, I was drunk!” Homer [appalled by press inaccuracy] "Beer. Now there's a temporary solution." Homer “I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet, sweet beer.” Homer “Oh come on, this bar is like a tavern to me!” Homer Drunken Homer Toy Figure: I peed my pants! Homer:Give me a six-pack. “How about if we dope you up good?” Homer’s helpful suggestion for Marge’s fear of flying Homer [wired]: I am so excited. I couldn’t sleep, then I even took some pills I found on the floor and still nothing. Homer: Isn’t marijuana, or ‘dope’ illegal? “It’s
legal. I could walk up to the President and blow smoke in his stupid monkey face.” Homer [on marijuana] Bart: Dad, I thought you didn’t like her saxophone? “Ah, that saxophone would make a great pipe!” Homer [stoned] “I got a
question for you…could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot that he himself could
not eat it?” Homer [stoned] “Wow,
wow, God does so much for me and He doesn’t ask anything in exchange.” Homer [stoned] Homer [stoned]: Otto
is Otto backwards. “Soon as
I graduate I’m out of here!” Homer [stoned, to Marge] “Any of
you suffer from glaucoma or just rented 'The Matrix’, medicinal marijuana can make things fabulous…medicinally.” Homer “Well we can’t just stand here and stare at our hands…although, wow!” Homer [stoned] “I take a whisky drink, Grandpa: Well you’re no angel behind the wheel. What about your DUI? “Bye, kids. On the way back, buy me some beer.” Homer [to Bart & Lisa] TV Announcer: Tonight, ‘When Dinosaurs Get Drunk’. “I’ve figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a
family of travelling acrobats.” Homer “You name it, oh wise mountain ape!” Homer, stoned and drunk, to
Selma “Being nice is a natural high. Like hiking and paint-thinner.” Homer "All normal people love meat. If I went
to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat?' I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad." Homer Moe’s new jumbo deep-fryer – Homer:Hey, Apu, you got any of that beer with candy floating in it? I think it’s called ‘Skittlebrau’ Lisa: Dad, what if I said you could lose weight without dieting or lifting a finger? Ned
Flander’s inner child: Stay the course, big man, you’re doing super! Trent Steel: Have you had breakfast already? “I
discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch.” Homer [proudly] on his weight-gain since high school “Stop that dog, it’s got my gum!” Homer chasing dog “I want you to sit there, look through the window and watch me eat a ham! Marge, prepare the emergency ham!” Homer
[punishing the dog] “Mmm, pistol-whip!” Homerconfuses a savage beating with a delicious desert scooped up with a handgun “If anybody wants me, I’ll be eating alone in the basement.” Homer [pathetically] "You
went to a sugar factory? Were there Umpa Lumpas?" Homer Homer Before I bring the sugar in, I want to see
the Umpa Lumpa! Homer learns the facts of life - "Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation." Homer Marge: How would you like it if I entered a belching contest? Mr Burns: Homer, I want you to show this woman the time of her life. "Ah, sweet pity! Where would my love
life have been without it?" Homer "Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!" Homer "Well you know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button." Homer (to a group of schoolboys) Lisa: Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination? "Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You." Homer on dumping sensitively “Three simple words – I am gay.” Homer’s tips on ending a relationship Homer’s Alibi – “You intergalactic hussy! [Sobs] Was he better than me?” Homer [on Marge’s infidelity with Kang, the alien] “Quit riding his ass – and not in a good way.” Homer intervenes in gay lovers’ spat “Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator
was sexually harassing that woman.” Homer Marge: Homer, is this the way you pictured married life? Reverend Lovejoy: Dearly beloved... Marge [to Lisa]: You look like the wife of a businessman. "It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day." Homer Marge: Homer, if I died would you be heartbroken? “He may be a dirty, snivelling coward, but show me a Simpson who isn’t?” Homer Homer [to Santa’s Little Helper]: Boy, you’re now second best in the family, right ahead of Marge. [Produces list reading Homer, Marge, Lisa, Bart, Maggie, Dog, and Vegas Wife. Dog is crossed out
and rewritten between Homer and Marge.] Marge: I’m afraid we’re going to need a bigger place. “Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate. And they practically raise themselves, what with the Internet and whatnot.” Homer Marge: Homey, I’m worried how fast our kids are growing up. Homer: Someday when Lisa and Bart get married all this’ll all be theirs. “It’s every parent’s dream to outlive their kids.” Homer “Both of you go to your rooms and spank yourselves.”Homer [to Bart and Lisa] Marge: Homer, you can’t punish the children just because you can’t come up with an idea. Homer [to Lisa]: You’ll be in your cold, cold grave before that ever happens. Homer: Well if kids are so innocent, why is everything bad named after them? Acting childish, kidnapping, child abuse. "Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to go to college." Homer "Marge, quick, how many kids do we have? No time, I'll just estimate. 9!" Homer Lisa: Dad! You can't just leave us by ourselves, we need a babysitter! Bart: You can be my father-figure! Bart: Hot damn! Homer: My daughter’s got strong feelings about it. Homer: But we love Bart and Lisa! "Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them." Homer to aliens who abducted Simpson family "OK, son, just remember to have fun out there today, and if you lose, I'LL KILL YOU!" Homer's motivational sport pep-talk to Bart. "Kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers." Homer's soothing parental talk. "[angry] Stupid Bart-toon! [giggles] He, he, he! Bart-toon, that’s clever! [angry] I’m going to kill him!” Homer “If your
mother wasn’t so fancy, we could shop at the gas station like normal people.” Homer [to Bart & Lisa] Marge [watching Bart in his treehouse]: What do you think he’s doing up there? Marge: Homer, your father’s dead! Homer: My father never even knew how I felt
about him! Bart: You know, Grandpa kinda smells like that
trunk in the garage where the bottom's all wet. Homer: If you don't start making more sense, we're going to have to put you in a home. "Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless." Homer "Now Bart, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours." Homer Marge: Lisa, welcome to love. It’s full of doubt, and pain, and uncertainty. But then one day you find a man you love so much it hurts. Homer, driving the family car, cuts off another motorist – “We had a deal – your sisters don’t come here after six o’clock, and I stop eating your lipstick.” Homer [to Marge] “Okay, let’s make a pact. This is going to be the best vacation ever, or we all agree to disband and join other families.” Homer “Give it a try; it’s like kissing a peanut!” Homer, kissing adopted son, Hans Moleman Bart: I love you, Dad. “I wish God was alive to see this.” Homer "I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!" Homer “I’ve come to hate my own creation. Now I know how God feels.” Homer “God bless those pagans!” Homer “There once was a man with long hair and some wild ideas who didn't always do what everyone thought was right. You remember him, he used to drive that blue car?” Homer Homer: Gambling's okay, it says so in the Bible. “Oh, everything’s too damned expensive these days. Look at this Bible I just got. 15 bucks, and talk about a preachy book. Everybody’s a sinner…except for this guy.” Homer reading The Bible "Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such." Homer "I've always wondered if there was a God. And now I know there is… and it's me!" Homer “I was working on a tax proposal and I accidentally proved there was no God!” Homer “A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. It’s clear now why God portions it out in those tiny packets, and lives on a plantation in Hawaii.” Homer “Jesus, Allah, Buddha, I love you all!” Homer, facing death “It would have been much worse if I hadn’t been carrying this Bible in my crotch.” Homer Homer Don’t worry, son, I’ll build you a new treehouse. One so grand it’ll be an affront to God himself! “Who knows more about electricity than the Amish?” Homer “Flames, searing pain, a black cat? I must be in Heaven!” Homer "Don't worry, son. I'm sure he's up in heaven right now laughing it up with all the other celebrities: John Dilinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph Stalin."" Homer [to Bart, on Krusty's apparent death] Homer: So I thought, what would God do in my place? Homer: God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game! [doorbell rings] “Look, just give me some inner peace or I’ll
mop the floor with you!” Homer “Dude, meet me in Montana, xxoo, Jesus (H. Christ)” Homer’s prank note to get rid of Flanders "Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community-service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer." Homer [on a new recliner] “And Lord, we are equally thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest and safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe-dream.” Homer Homer [as Mardi Gras King]: Your King needs your stilts. Levelle (bodyguard trainer): Your loyalty is to your protectee. Not to your family, or your country. And not to
Mohammed! “Oh great! Mormons!” Homer opens the door to slobbering aliens Marge [to Bart]: You can’t ask God to kill someone! Stan Taylor (Pro-Footballer): I used to party all night and sleep with lingerie models, until Ned and his Bible group showed me I could have more. “When are people going to learn, democracy doesn’t work!” Homer “Go back to Massachusetts, pinko!” Homer "Marge, I agree with you…in theory. In
theory, communism works. In theory." Homer Bart: Teamwork sucks…and what’s all this I keep hearing about tolerance? Marge: Who is Muntu? Flanders: I haven’t felt this good since we stole the 2000 election. “Let the bears pay the bear tax. I pay the Homer tax.” Homer Homer [leading chant]: We’re here, we’re queer. We don’t want any more bears! Girl with Smashing Pumpkins: I was in the Audio-Visual Club. Homer: But Marge, I was a political prisoner! “Ahh, Oliver North, he was just poured into that uniform!” Homer “Impeach Churchill!” a confused Homer Homer [on becoming union rep]: Hey, what does this job pay? “Look at him sleeping, he’s like a little angel that killed 50 million people.” Homer, visiting the tomb of Chairman Mao “You guys are commie! Then why am I seeing rudimentary free markets?” Homer on China "Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?" Homer Homer: Well I quit my job, just like you told me. "No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really
half-assed." Homer "I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when
I'm around!" Homer "If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English." Homer Marge: How was your day at work, dear? Marge: The plant called. They said if you don’t go in tomorrow, don’t bother to come in on Monday. Marge: They love you down at the plant. Kent Brockman [interviewing Homer Simpson, Union Kingpin]: Homer, organised labour has been called a lumbering dinosaur, “Oh, I’m going to lose my job just because I’m dangerously unqualified!” Homer “Now he’s just a stinking flight-attendant!” Homer “Remember your hippopotamus oath!” Homer to Doctor Hibbert Dr Hibbert: Well there is medication, but it’s… controversial. "Alright, let's not panic. I'll get the money back by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one." Homer Homer smoking two cigarettes at once - “Hey, I came here to be drugged, electrocuted and probed, not insulted.” Homer as a guinea pig at 'The Screaming Monkey Research Center' “Yes, that’s what happens when you get older. It’s one of those natural things, beautiful in its way.” Homer waxes philosophical on Grandpa Simpsons exploded kidneys Homer: If I die during the operation, will you do one thing for me? “I’ll get my kidney back, old man! You have to sleep sometime!” Homer to Grandpa Simpson “Man this is crazy, I hope I don’t brain my damage.” Homer Marge: I couldn’t even wake you up for work this morning; I had to tell Mr Burns you had raging diahorrea. Marge: How's your back? Doctor: We could remove the crayon for you. It could vastly increase your brain power… or it could possibly kill you. “Lisa, the important thing is for your mother to repress what happened. Push it deep down inside her, so she doesn’t annoy us again.” Homer Homer on therapy: I don’t believe in it. It breaks up families. It turns wives against husbands, children against fathers, and neighbours against me. Homer: Did you talk about me in therapy today? Lisa: Congratulations, Dad. The first step is admitting you have a problem. Boat Rental Clerk: I assume you read the boat safety manual? “Oh, my thingies!” Homer, hit in the crotch by Selma. Homer: And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home-winemaking course, and I
forgot how to drive? “English, who needs that? I'm never going to England" Homer Lisa: I’ll never get into an Ivy League college now. At this rate, I’ll probably have to go to Vasser! “There are two kinds of college student: jocks and nerds. As a jock it is my duty to give nerds a hard time.” Homer “Hello, Dean, you are a stupid head!” Homer’s prank call to his College Dean “Actually I’ve been working on a plan. During the exam I’ll hide under some coats, and hope everything works out.” Homer's cunning plan “But nerds are my mortal enemy!” Homer “Look at her pound that nerd!” Homer [laughing, on school bully Francine] Marge: It took the kids forty minutes to locate Canada on the map! “In this house, young lady, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!” Homer on Lisa’s perpetual motion machine Lisa: Doogie Howser went to college when he was my age. “Boudoir – Where a French guy does it.” Homer’s guide to expanding your vocabulary Lisa: Who will police the police? Homer: No way, man, no way, man, get yourself another patsy, man. No way am I wearing no freaking wire! “Can’t you do anything? Surprise witnesses? Evidence tampering? Play the race card!" [Threatening] "Play it!” Homer [to lawyer on being convicted] “I torched a blood-bank…one cookie, my ass!” Homer “Stealing? How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what’s-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why
do you think I took you to all those 'Police Academy' movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you?” Homer “By going down the ladder you are agreeing not to sue.” Homer [evacuating his burning treehouse] “The Chair? How come they only do crucifixion during sweeps?” Homer [watching televised execution] Homer: It’s Marge! She’s become a crazed criminal just because I didn’t take her to the ballet! Bart: You were telling me about the time you got out of jury duty. Marge: Homer, do you want your son to grow up to be a Supreme Court Justice, or a sleazy male stripper? “Operator, give me the number for 911.” Homer Prison Guard: How’d you like to be a full-time rat? Jimbo: You let me down, man. Now I don’t believe in nothing no more. I’m going to law school. “Not community service, I hate helping people!” Homer "America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain... well all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!" Homer “In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women!” Homer “America loves its kings, from George the Third, to Larry.” Homer [as Mardi Gras King] “If you don’t like it, move to Russia!” Homer “We all know the thirteen stripes are for good luck,” Homer [on the US flag] Homer: Florida, but that’s America’s wang! “You people are guests in our country, and the beaver have no right to treat you this way.” Homer [to Native American] Homer: I once knew a man from Nantucket Bart: This isn’t real money, it’s printed by the Montana Militia! Moe: I’m pulling your song from the jukebox. “Did you ever see the ‘Blue Man Group’? Total rip off of the Smurfs!” A drunken Homer holds forth Mick Jagger: Welcome to Rock n’ Roll Fantasy camp, where you’ll experience the complete rock & roll lifestyle, without the lawsuits and STDs. “But rock stars are supposed to be about drinking, and getting drunk, and boozing it up.” Homer Marge: These are horrible ghouls from the past! Homer [singing]: Yvan eht nioj. “That’s even worse than the album Grandpa released!” Homer “He lied to us through song! I hate when people do that!” Homer Marge: A chimp! Homer [making polite conversation]: So I noticed your home smells of faeces? Lisa: There’s an Internet café opening in Springvale. “Look at those fools on land with their stupid laws. They will never know the
simple pleasures of a monkey knife-fight.” Homer [at sea, and loving it] Bart: I rented all your favourite gorilla movies: 'Gorilla Squadron’, 'Gorilla Island 10'... “Hee-hee-hee, that monkey’s wearing a hat.” Homer, watching ‘Editor- in-Chimp’ in the video store. “Look, he’s misspelling words!” “Hello, son, I didn’t know you, Jay Leno and a monkey were bathing a clown.” Homer barges into the bathroom “They just surrounded it with something even better. Like a raisin covered in chocolate, or a monkey in a cowboy suit.” Homer “And I say a monkey can mow our lawn!” Homer [apropos to nothing] “Poachers are just nature’s way of keeping the balance. Whenever there are so many species that people get confused and angry, a poacher is born.” Homer “Lisa, a man with lots of ivory is less likely to hurt Stampy than a man whose ivory stocks are low.” Homer [on selling Stampy
the elephant to ivory dealer, Blackheart] “Don’t worry, being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep…in a blender.” Homer “I’m your pal; I took you for a walk once.” Homer [to Santa’s Little Helper] Homer: I want to pet the dog! “I thought cats were just for losers who lived in apartments!” Homer Kent Brockman: Mr Simpson, how long have you been a cat person? “Come on sharkey, get a piece of this! You call yourself the king of the jungle!” Homer baits man-eating sharks “The bee bit my bottom, now my bottom’s big.” Homer “Bad bees, bad…ow, they’re defending themselves somehow!” Homer attacked by bees Kent Brockman reading the news: …And that is how a hippo became a deputy. “We don’t have to go on a trip. We’ll just wait for the killer bees to come to us.” Homer Homer stumbles across his unconscious doppelganger, Guy Incognito: Oh my god, this man is my exact double! [distracted] That dog has a puffy tail. [Chases dog, giggling] Here puff, here
puffy! “Finally, man has triumphed over a small furry animal!” Homer Pet Shop Assistant: Are you going to buy those toads or just lick them? Chief Wiggum: This horse is going to the dog-food factory. “The horse better win, or we’re taking a trip to the glue factory…and he’s not
coming.” Homer Management-Union Negotiations – Lisa: 'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. After Homer crashes both the family's two cars - Driving to the funeral - Administrator: And what are your reasons for wanting a 'Little Brother'? Homer’s Brain: This is it, Homer. It's time to tell her the horrible secret from your past. Homer: All right brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you. But let's just get me through this, and I can get back to killing you with beer. Homer the vigilante - At Lenny's house, Homer, Lenny, Carl, Barney and Moe are playing poker - Homer: All right, Brain, it's all up to you. If you don't think of what it is, we'll lose Marge forever. Homer receives the telephone bill - Homer: Bart, you didn't finish your spaghetti and Moe balls! Comic Book Guy: Question: is your name Ridley Scott or James Cameron? Homer: To find Flanders, I have to think like Flanders. “Homer had some food stuck to his face for three days. And it wasn’t small either, it was a chicken wing.” Otto “Welcome to the third lecture in our series on not putting things up your nose. Here’s Homer Simpson…” “Play along, Chubbsy, there’s a pie in it for you.” Burns to Homer Burns to Homer, while escorting his date - "Put my hand on her knee," [pause] "I said her, and I said knee.” Homer sits eating in the window of the Frying Dutchman – Audience Member: I got a question for that gross thing, whatever it is? “I stole this accordion from a blind monkey, but you disgust even me!” Frenchman to Homer “I didn’t think it was possible, but watching him makes me more lesbian.” Lesbian on Homer “Mom, there’s a lot of swearing and a funny smell coming from the basement, and Dad’s upstairs.” Lisa “Simpson, I hate to bother you when you’re eating, but you’re always eating.” Chief Wiggum to Homer Marge [to Chief Wiggum]: This is ridiculous! You’ve been through my delicates, my silkies, my dainties, and my unmentionables. “Smithers, you could learn something from this braying moron.” Mr Burns [on a stoned Homer] “Smithers, I’m beginning to think Homer Simpson was not the brilliant tactician I thought?” Mr Burns “Well what about this, 'The Duff Book of World Records'. It’s got deformities!” Marge tempting Homer with the joys of reading “Every time you go to that cook-off, you get drunker than a poet on pay-day.” Marge [to Homer] “I knew you’d be on foot because you always say public transport is for losers.” Marge [to Homer] “Wow, if your fly wasn’t open you’d look just like Roger Moore!” Marge [on Homer’s hair-transplant] “Thank god his pants stayed on!” Bart [as Homer bursts out of clothes in Hulk-like rage] “There’s nothing in here you didn’t see when Dad was boycotting pants.” Bart [to Lisa, on the boys’ toilets at school] “Mr Simpson, these items are very different from usual purchases of pork and beer!” Apu to Homer “Strong words! Strong words from a strange man.” Kent Brockman on Homer “Get in here, boozy, you’re late for your drunkening!” Moe [dragging Homer into his bar] Alec Baldwin [on Homer]: I miss the way he used to tuck us in and kiss us on the forehead. “Make me proud, or at least less ashamed” Grandpa Simpson to Homer Homer: Mild-mannered Homer Simpson. Marge [to Homer]: I’m glad you had fun, but it’s time to come home. “Dude, your Mom is hot!” Otto [to Homer, on Marge] “Here we have a man with an obvious eating disorder and a woman with a bizarre
hairstyle; I’m sure worn only for shock value.” Brad Goodman on Homer and Marge’s unsuitability as parents Homer: I blame myself for this. ‘Dragnet’-style voice-over: Homer Simpson was remanded to the custody of the United States Army Neurological Experimentation Division at Fort Detrick, Maryland, for extensive testing. “That place had a Manson Family vibe.” College girl on the Simpson household
Homer: Yeah, it’s fun too.
Homer: Because I loved them once and they broke my heart. Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie, never love anything.
Lisa: Even you?
Homer: Especially me.
Homer: What about the wiener? A guy on TV lifted a can of paint with his!
Homer: Well, it’s always in the last place you look.
Homer: Lisa, maybe if I'm part of that mob, I can help steer it in wise
directions. Now, where's my giant foam cowboy hat and air-horn?
Homer: Ray Jay funny, or OJ funny?
Lisa: Two wrongs don't make a right, Bart.
Bart: Yes, they do.
Lisa: No, they don't.
Bart: Yes, they do.
Lisa: No, they don't.
Bart: Yes, they do.
Lisa: Daaaad!
Homer: Two wrongs make a right, Lisa.
Bart: Not if you called them Stinkblossoms!
Homer: Or Crapweeds.
Marge: I’m not sure I’d like to get a dozen Crapweeds on Valentine’s Day, I’d rather have candy.
Homer: Not if they were called Scumdrops!
Homer: Name on the back says ‘Honeybunch’.
Homer:Yes! Crossitunity!
Homer: Ooh, let’s pick him up!
Marge: No! What if he’s crazy?
Homer: And what if he’s not? Then we’d look like idiots.
Bart: And I will take up smoking and give that up!
Homer: Good boy, that's a tough thing to have to go through. Here's a dollar.
Lisa: But he didn't DO anything!
Homer: Didn't he, Lisa? Didn't he?
Marge: Why don't you read a book, then?
Homer: Because I'm trying to reduce my boredom.
Homer: What am I, the lost and found?
Homer: What am I, a doctor?
Homer: Who are you, my biographer?
Marge: Homer, those are elk.
Homer: I still hate them. [Shouts] GO BACK TO PITTSBURGH!
Marge: Bart, where do you pick up words like that?
Homer (on the phone): Yeah, Moe, that team sucked last night. Now I've seen a team suck, but
they just plain sucked, they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked…
Gotta go Moe, my damn wiener kids are listening!
Lisa: Dad, that’s not true. You’re thinking of airbags.
Homer: Well, thank you, honey.
Homer: I’m tired of this Tarzan movie.
Lisa: Dad, it’s a documentary about the
homeless!
One Lesbian to another: What’s her problem?
Homer [lovingly]: Ahh, she must have dreamt about Hitler again.
Homer: Hookers and Spiderman?
Homer: That’s not how I remember it!
Homer: Straight up, Marge!
Homer: Huh, I’ve been around Scotsmen.
Homer: Wo, wo, one question at a time!
Bag Boy: Sir, please! I’ve already bagged it by colour and in order of each item’s discovery by man.
Homer: The customer’s always right. That’s what everyone likes about us. Now mush!
Mrs Skinner: You tell them, Jobo!
Bag Boy: Bag boys have feelings too, you know!
Homer: No you don’t!
Manager: Excuse me, is there a problem here?
Homer:No, I can handle it. [pinches bag boy and whispers] I’ll get you, squealer!
Homer: Dweeb, twonk, spaz, it’s all good!
Marge: Homer, no! Those were made in the sixties!
Homer: Mmm, turbulent.
Carmen Electra: Ur, Homer, my face is up here.
Homer [still staring]: I’ve made my choice.
Bart: They’re all about smugglers.
Homer: No, not this one, ‘The Smugglers of Pirate Cove'. It’s about pirates.
Homer [on his cell phone while driving]: Hands-free, eh? Then I can give the brothers the black power salute. [Pulls
up alongside convertible carrying Carl, Lou, Dr Hibbert, and heavyweight champ Drederick Tatum] Black Power! Black Power! [Drives off]
Carl: Was that Al Roker?
Drederick Tatum: His exuberance is perplexing.
Lisa: You won second place?
Homer: No, but I got it.
Boudoir Photographer: I was, unless you have issues with the naked human body?
Homer: I don’t. But the block association seems to. They wanted a traditional Santa Claus…
Homer: I’ll get our little passports.
Homer: Nothin’.
Marge: I don’t think it had broken axles before.
Homer: Before, before! You’re livin’ in the past, Marge. Quit livin’ in the past!
Marge: What?
Homer: [pause] ...A dinosaur.
Homer: I'll handle this ... the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes...wait a minute...Statue of Liberty ... that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!
Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.
Homer: Hold me!
Chief Wiggum: Only if you hold me.
Marge: Were you or Lenny voted sexiest man alive?
Homer: Well I’m not sure about Lenny…
Homer: He was a zombie?
Nerd: Why does it have be zany?
Homer: Batman?
Marge: No, he’s a scientist.
Homer: Batman’s a scientist?
Marge: You didn’t do anything.
Homer [pathetically]: But I like being thanked!
Homer: Not everybody.
Marge [shouts]: Sock Puppets!
Homer [shrieking]: Where, where, aaargh!
Bart: You mean the wild mood swings?
Homer [screams]: NO!
Bart: As long as you’re doing things for me, would you tie up your bathrobe when you walk around the house?
Homer [screams]: NEVER!
Homer [checks inside trousers]: No.
Homer: I have been eating more.
Homer: And I can ride my bike real fast!
Marge: Homer, what are you doing?
Homer [innocently]: We’re just rehearsing 'Angry Dad: The Motion Picture'.
Bart: How’d you like to be played by John Goodman?
Homer [enraged, resumes strangling Bart]: So…obvious. It…should be…Gary Oldman.
Marge: No, you’re angry. You’re punching the
cat right now!
Homer [repeatedly punching cat]: No I’m not… Oh my god, you’re right! I’m a rage-aholic![sobs] I just can’t live without rage-ahol!
Bart: I don’t think our house has a steeple.
Homer:I forget things.
Homer: Really? [Pauses] You did say sugar?
Homer: Hey! Oh, you meant it as a compliment.
Homer: Nah, they mess up my hair.
Homer [reading from list]: There’s Homer, Homer J. Simpson, and Commander Cool (aka, me).
Marge: That’s your underwear.
Homer: Welcome to my world!
Homer [angry]: I recorded that for private use.
Boat Rental Clerk: Sir, you cannot operate a speedboat under the influence of alcohol.
Homer: That sounds like a wager to me!
Apu: You took pills you found on the floor?
Homer: Uh-hu. Now I’m afraid if I stop talking I’ll die. Isn’t Mick cool? I thought he’d be all like ‘I’m a rock star and I’m great’, but he’s just like you or me, or Jesus over there [points at wooden post]
Dr Hibbert: Only for those who enjoy it.
Homer: I didn’t, but now Daddy’s special medicine…which you must never use because it will ruin your life…let’s Daddy see and hear magical things you will never experience…ever!
Otto [stoned]: Now I’m scared!
I take a chocolate drink,
And when I wanna pee,
I use the kitchen sink.”
Homer’s drinking song
Homer: That was a DWI!
Homer [watches drunken dinosaur collapse]: Ha, ha. I’ve been there.
Moe: You can flash-fry a buffalo in 40 seconds!
Homer: 40 seconds? But I want it now!
Apu: Such a thing does not exist. You must have dreamt it!
Homer: Oh. Give me a six-pack and some ‘Skittles’ then.
Homer:I’d say you were a lying scumbag.
Homer’s inner child [pointing at belly]: Food goes in here!
Homer: Yeah, but I usually have three or four.
Grant Motherloving: He’s right over there.
Homer [pointing at the Umpa Lumpa and whispering to Bart]: That guy is freaky!
Young Homer: Zookeeper, zookeeper, those two monkeys are killing each other!
Zookeeper [whispers]: They’re having sex.
Young Homer: Oh!
Homer: Frankly I’d be a little turned-on.
Homer: Right ho. Marge, we’re getting drive-thru and doing it twice.
Homer: Boy, I don’t know. You gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot.
Homer: Fifty spaceships beamed us up and while they were gang-probing you, I discovered something that blew up their heads.
Flanders: Why do I have to be gang-probed?
Homer: Yup, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
Homer: Wait! I want one last chance to enjoy single life. [Scratches his butt and belches] Okay, ready.
Reverend Lovejoy: I will now read these special vows which Homer has prepared for this occasion. "Do you, Marge, take Homer, in
richness and in poornes" -- poorness is underlined -- "in impotence and in potence, in quiet solitude or blasting across the alkali flats in a
jet-powered, monkey-navigated..." and it goes on like this.
Homer: I wish I’d married a businessman. Then I could have had nice things.
Homer: Well, I wouldn’t be happy.
Homer: No we won’t. I’ve got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart’s crib and Bart’ll sleep with us until he’s 21.
Marge: Won’t that warp him?
Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
Marge: You don’t have a cousin Frank.
Homer: He became Francine back in ’76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.
Homer: It’s the beef hormones, and the fluorescent lights. What are you gonna do?
Lisa: Yuck!
Marge: You mean when they marry other people.
Homer: Whatever, but I’m not paying for two weddings.
Homer: I don’t see why not, they’re my kids, I own them.
Marge: Homer, will you please stop talking about the children’s graves.
Bart: What about adultery?
Homer: Not until you’re older, son.
Homer: Lisa, haven't you seen'Home Alone'? If some burglars come it'll be a hilarious situation...
Homer: No way! I’m not getting my fingerprints on that train-wreck. But if I lose Maggie, I’ll be 0 for 3. I got to get her back.
Bart: I could help you!
Homer: Pipe down, Amtrak!
Homer: Bart, you’re not at school, don’t swear!
Lenny: Pro or con?
Homer: What am I, Super Dad?
Judge: And Margaret?
Homer: Margaret? Lady you got the wrong file...
Marge [whispering]: She means Maggie.
Homer: Oh yeah, I don't have anything against her.
Homer: I dunno. Drug lab?
Homer [sobs]: He never even lived to be a vegetable.
Marge: But you were very open with your feelings.
Homer: Sure, I said I loved him. But never that…I was in love with him!
Lisa: Nuh-uh, he smells more like a photo lab.
Homer: Stop it, both of you! Grandpa smells like a regular old man, which is more like a hallway in a hospital.
Grandpa: You already put me in a home.
Homer: Then we'll put you in the crooked home we saw on ‘Sixty Minutes’!
Grandpa [meekly]: I'll be good.
Homer [jealous]: Who is he?
Marge: You, Homey.
Homer: Woo-hoo! In your face, imaginary guy!
Driver [shouts]: Idiot!
Homer: He means you, Marge.
Homer: I love you, Jerry.
Lisa: Where?
Homer: Somewhere in the back.
Bart: Can it have a rope ladder you can pull up after yourself?
Homer: Only if it’s an affront to God.
Bart: Ha, ha, locusts!
Homer: It’s all in the Bible, son. The Pranksters’ Bible.
Ned Flanders: Hidely-ho, neighbour. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick…
Homer [slams the door & stares heaven-wards]: Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there. [Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer's hands]
Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but… [bites] …Mmm, sacrilicious.
Jimbo: Jesus is our only king.
Homer: Not anymore!
Homer: Not even during Ramadan?
Homer: Yeah, you do your own dirty work!
Homer [scornfully]: Professional athletes, always wanting more!
Homer: Your ideas intrigue me. How can I subscribe to your newsletter?
Katengi (African guide): He seized power in a bloodless coup. All smothering!
Homer: Just like Jimmy Carter.
Homer: Don’t blame me, I voted for the green M&M.
Lenny: Hey, Homer, that’s a pretty catchy chant, where’d you hear it?
Homer: At the moustache parade they have every year.
Homer: What? Me too! But they kicked me out because of my views on Vietnam. Plus I was stealing projectors.
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt, do I have to draw you a diagram?
Carl: Nothing.
Homer: D’oh!
Carl: Unless you’re crooked.
Homer: Woo-hoo!
Marge: I didn’t tell you to quit your job.
Homer: Yes you did. I remember your exact words. You said, I should quit my job and become an inventor, or you’d torch the house.
Marge: That doesn’t sound like me. Well if this doesn’t work out you can always go back to the plant.
Homer: Not the way I quit, hee, hee, hoo.
Homer: Oh, the usual. Stand in front of this, open that, pull down this, bend over, spread apart that, turn your head that way, cough…
Homer: Woo-hoo, four day weekend!
Homer: Yeah, you’re right. Guys are always patting my bald head for luck and pinching my belly to hear my girlish laugh.
Marge: Mmm, that doesn’t sound like they like you at all?
Homer: You know, you’re right. First thing tomorrow morning I’m going to punch Lenny in the back of the head! [Cut to Lenny getting punched]
Homer [shrieks]: Aaah!
Kent Brockman: Yes, ur, my director is telling me not to talk to you anymore.
Homer: Woo-hoo!
Homer: Does it go in the butt?
DMV Woman: Are these cigarettes yours, sir?
Homer: Yes, I am in flavour country.
DMV Woman: Both of them?
Homer: It’s a big country.
DMV Woman: You sir, are worse than Hitler!
Marge: Oh anything, sweetheart!
Homer: Blow up the hospital.
Homer: Oh, couldn’t you come up with a less embarrassing line?
Marge: But you did have raging diahorrea. Nobody open the hallway closet until I say it’s okay.
Homer: I can't complain. [indicates 'No Complaining' sign]
Homer: Hmm, increase my killing power, eh? Let’s do it!
Marge: I don’t think so.
Homer [shouting]: Tell me the truth! [gasps; continues panic-stricken] Don’t tell her I raised my voice. Happy families, happy families!
Homer: Is it also the last step?
Lisa: No, the last step is quitting.
Homer: D’oh!
Homer [bored]: Oh yeah, couldn’t put it down.
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer [furious]: I’ve had just about enough of your Vasser bashing, young lady!
Homer: Well, it’s easy to miss tucked away down there.
Homer: Against my wishes.
Homer: I dunno. The Coast Guard?
Chief Wiggum: Okay, would you be willing to wear a hidden camera and microphone?
Homer: Oh that I’ll do.
Chief Wiggum: That’s exactly how Dillinger started.
Homer: Really?
Homer: Oh yeah, the trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.
Homer: Can’t he be both, like the late Chief Justice Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren wasn’t a male stripper.
Homer: Now who’s being naïve, Marge?
Homer [excited]:Really? You mean eat cheese, gnaw through electrical cords, things like that?
Homer [falls to his knees and screams]: Nooo!
Psychiatrist: They prefer the Sunshine State.
Bart: And?
Homer: Well, let’s just say the stories about him were greatly exaggerated.
Homer: It’ll be real soon enough.
Homer: It’s Raining Men!’
Moe: Not anymore it ain’t.
Homer: Woo-hoo, STDs!
Homer: So are the Grammy judges.
Lisa: Yvan eht nioj. What does that mean?
Homer: Oh honey, it's just one of those nonsensical verses like "Ram-a-lama ding-dong", or "Give peace a chance”.
Bart: Hey, maybe he’ll lead us to bananas?
Homer: Or more mouth-watering monkeys.
Dr Bushwell (chimp researcher): Yes?
Homer: And not just monkey faeces.
Homer: The Internet, is that still going?
Bart: I know a website that shows monkeys doing it.
Lisa: Bart, the Internet is more than a global pornography market.
[Horn blast, cut to Homer and Bart in the car outside]
Homer: Come on, Lisa! Monkeys!
Homer:'Apes-a-poppin: the airline version'!
Marge: You can pet the cat.
Homer: The cat? What’s the point?
Homer: All my life, Kent. I prefer catsup to ketchup, and to me Yusef Islam will always be Cat Stevens.
Kent Brockman: You must really love the Broadway musical ‘Cats’?
Homer: God no, it sucks!
Homer: Stupid hippo!
Homer: Lick them, go away.
Homer: Good luck getting a horse to eat dog-food!
Mr Burns: We don’t have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract.
Homer’s Brain: Why’s Mr Burns being so nice to me?
Mr Burns: And if you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.
Homer’s Brain: Wait a minute, is he coming on to me?
Mr Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, where’s the harm?
Homer’s Brain: Oh my god, he is coming on to me!
Mr Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows {winks]
Homer’s Brain: Aaah!
Homer: Sorry, Mr Burns, I don’t go in for these back-room shenanigans. Sure, I’m flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no.
Homer’s Brain: What does that mean? Better say something or they'll think you're stupid.
Homer: Takes one to know one.
Homer’s Brain: Swish!
Insurance Agent: Now, before I give you the check, one more question. This place 'Moe's' you left just before the accident. This is a business of some kind?
Homer’s Brain: Don't tell him you were at a bar! But what else is open at night?
Homer: It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.
Homer’s Brain: Heh, heh, heh. I would a never thought of that.
Patty: I can't believe Aunt Gladys is really gone.
Selma Her legend will live forever.
Homer’s Brain: Yeah, the legend of the dog-faced woman!
Homer [laughs hysterically]: Legend of the dog-faced woman! Oh, that's good!
Marge: HOMER!
Homer: Wha--? D'oh!
Homer’s Brain: Don't say revenge! Don't say revenge!
Homer: Uh, revenge?
Homer’s Brain: That's it, I'm gettin' outta here.
Homer: Marge I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.
Marge: Oh, my God!
Homer’s Brain: No, the other secret!
Homer’s Brain: It's a deal!
Marge: Homer, wasn't the whole point to catch the Cat Burglar?
Lisa: And I still don't have my saxophone.
Homer: Lisa, the mob is working on getting your saxophone back. But we've also expanded into other important areas. [reads list] Literacy programs, preserving our beloved covered bridges, world domination…
Lisa: World domination?
Homer: Oh ho, heh, that might be a typo.
Homer’s Brain: Mental note: the girl knows too much.
Carl: Hey, don't yell at Homer. Just 'cause he's a little slow...
[Homer gasps]
Homer’s Brain: Something was said...not good. What was it? Don't yell at Homer; No, that's OK. What was it? ...Slow! They called you slow!
Homer [stands up, yells]: How dare you call me that! I -- huh?
[Lenny walks into empty kitchen wearing a night-cap & pyjamas]
Lenny [opens fridge]: Hey, Homer, you still here? Boy, you are slow.
Homer’s Brain: Something said...not good.
Lenny: Get the hell out of here!
Homer’s Brain: Eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding…
Homer: OK. But then we gotta get to work. [pigs out]
Homer: Burkina Faso? Disputed Zone? Who called all these weird places?
Homer’s Brain: Quiet, it might be you! I can't remember.
Homer: Na, I'm going to ask Marge.
Homer’s Brain: No, no! Why embarrass us both? Just write a cheque and I'll release some
more endorphins.
[Homer scribbles a cheque, then sighs with
pleasure]
Homer's Brain: Silence, you fool. It can be ours!
Homer [eating]: Run, boy! Run! Run for your life, boy!
Homer: No, it's Homer.
Comic Book Guy: Then I would thank you to stop peering at my screenplay, Ho-mer. And if I see a movie where computers threaten our personal liberties, I will know you have stolen my idea.
Homer: But I'm just waiting for my kid.
Homer’s Brain: Mental note -- steal his idea.
Homer’s Brain: My name’s Flanders, and I’m a big, fat lamo, and I wear the same stupid sweater every day…
Homer: To the Springfield River!
First onlooker: Oh, he’s hideous!
Second onlooker: I heard they shaved a gorilla.
Jerry Springer: Homer.
Chief Wiggum [holding up a bra]: I insist on searching every inch of this house personally.
Homer [entering the room]: Here’s my underwear draw.
Chief Wiggum: Where’s that bomb-disposal robot?
Kim Basinger: Forehead?
Lisa: You’re not mild-mannered, you’re often liquored up and rude!
Tom Petty: Your mother’s right, Homer.
Marge: We all blame you!
Homer: Woo-hoo!
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